The Falcon House
by Circuit's Dead
Summary: When the Smashers get into some relationship troubles, who better to solve their problems than a high-speed craving egotistical bounty hunter? A variety of shippings and a collection of One-Shots.
1. Chapter 1: Enter Bart

**So I got alternate for a part on Friday, and in the end it turns out they didn't need me at all. So in the hallway, I decided to write this one-shot rom-com. **

**Because why not?**

**Anyways, this is my first time doing something like this, so let me know what you think. I'll try to respond to you ASAP. Otherwise, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my crappy fanfiction. I do not own the name Bart Lemming or the name The Falcon House. Sadly.**

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><p>Chapter 1: Enter Bart<p>

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><p>It was a normal day for Bart Lemming. Quite frankly, his business couldn't have been doing better. The Falcon House, one of Smash City's many coffee houses, was doing exceeding well. Customers were coming and going, enjoying a quick cup of coffee and perhaps a chat with the kind and eccentric owner if they had the chance. Most noticed his particular quirks, but no one ever questioned the mysterious chef.<p>

Of course, they probably knew him better by his other name: Captain Falcon.

For some reason or another, no one had made that connection yet. Even the racer could have figured that out with the amount of time everyone else had. Well, that was part of his job anyways as a bounty hunter, but come on! Douglas Jay Falcon. Falcon. The Falcon House. The F-Zero racer just guessed that most were unaware of Bart's abnormal amount of muscle, which he kept hidden underneath his brown leather jacket, or maybe they didn't notice the occasional "Falcon" slip he would do. They could continue being blind like usual for all he cared, just as long as he could keep his other identity a secret.

He never had to worry about that until today.

It was just after the rush hour on the last day of Captain Falcon's Christmas break, and so far business had been slow. Mainly because Smash City was vacant of the usual customers, for most everyone Bart knew had family elsewhere. He and Mr. Game and Watch (Mr. Game and Watch apparently hadn't made the connection either, which once again, was fine by the Captain) were preparing for the slow dinner hours, preparing toasted sandwiches and his famous homemade chips. At this point, Mr. Game and Watch was finishing everything else, so Bart decided to wipe the countertop off.

"Mr. G, are you done yet?" Bart lazily yelled back as he wet his rag.

"Nearly!" The Flatlander responded. "By the way, I invited some of my friends over to eat tonight. I hope you don't mind."

"That's fine with me." The entrepreneur was half-paying attention. "Who did you invite?"

_Ring!_

The door swung open as Jigglypuff and Kirby entered the establishment. The pink Pokèmon was wearing a small flower in her hair and a tiny purse around her shoulder (in reality, it was a tiny handbag with string taped to the ends of it). Bart could tell that she was irritated from her movements; she was constantly tapping her foot and checking the time on her watch. Kirby stood awkwardly besides her, looking nervous. A twing of regret was plastered on his face, but from what Bart could not tell.

"This is the place you take me out to?" Jigglypuff frowned, looking around at the modest restaurant. "A coffee house?"

"Mr. Game and Watch recommended it." said Kirby nervously, looking down at a sheet of paper. "Yep, this is the place. He said they get your meals five minutes or less or you eat free for a month! How about that?!"

"Hmph!" Jigglypuff rolled her eyes. " You mean the 2-D blunder? Isn't he the one who keeps putting black specks in my food?"

"That's pepper, and you put that in your food." Kirby reluctantly reminded her. "Look, if you don't want to eat here... "

"No no," Jigglypuff crossed her arms and turned away from the pink puffball, "I said you could choose. Let's see what a mistake you've made this time."

Bart immediately ducked behind the counter. "Crap..." He mumbled to himself, "Of course Mr. Game and Watch invites the two biggest eaters over to eat. Why wouldn't he? Ugh. Kirby must have screwed up badly if Jigglypuff actually managed to cross her little stubby arms. Let's just hope they don't recognize me..."

"Hey!" Jigglypuff started slamming hard on the front bell. "Where's the desk jockey? _HEY!"_

Swallowing all of his regrets, Bart stood up. "Hello!" he greeted casually, "Welcome to Falcon House. I'm Bart Lemming, how may I take your order?"

"... Did you just appear from underneath that desk?" deadpanned Kirby, staring suspiciously at the human.

"Umm... Dropped my pen, that's all!" Falcon smiled, scratching the back of his head. "What would you and your lady like?"

"I'll have the—"

"We'll have ten orders of the Garden Salad and two coffees each please." Jigglypuff interrupted. Kirby was about to protest, but Jigglypuff started dragging him towards their table before he could even say a word.

"Umm... Okay." Bart frowned. "You do realize you pay up here and we give you food at the table, right?"

"What kind of restaurant is this?" Jigglypuff scowled, opening her purse and walking back up towards the front.

"... It's a coffee house, mam." Bart sighed, taking her credit card. "Haven't you ever been to, I dunno, Starbucks?"

"They have deers in space?" Jigglypuff gasped.

"... Never mind. Here's your reciept, mam." Bart handed her the paper. "Anything else?"

Kirby was about to add something from his seat, but Jigglypuff only said, "That's all, thanks." With that, she headed towards their table.

"Hmm..." Bart started brewing their coffees. Jigglypuff was definitely acting different. The couple were two peas in a pod, and their love for each other was almost matched by their love of food. Thai, Italian, French, American... Anything you put in front of them they would eat. Kirby and Jigglypuff were probably the Mansion's most well known couple. They had been going out since Brawl, and from what Falcon had heard they couldn't be happier. Or maybe they could, as Bart watched Jigglypuff chew out Kirby's nonexistent ears. Something was definitely off with the two.

"Kirby told me they were having relationship problems recently." said Mr. Game and Watch as he approached his employer. "I thought if they went out on a date that it might help, but it looks like it's not."

"Holy crap you scared me! " snapped Bart, turning around. "Don't do that again!"

"... I've been here the whole time." frowned Mr. Game and Watch. "Their Garden Salads are ready, by the way."

"Great, thanks." Grabbing as many as he could, he cautiously approached their table.

"... and worst of all, when's the last time you bothered listening to me?!" snapped Jigglypuff at Kirby. The hero of Popstar looked bored, staring out the window.

"Here you go." Bart said, sliding over their meals. "I'll go back and get the rest."

"About time." Jigglypuff growled, grabbing her fork and angrily stabbing her plate. "I thought this place had a reputation for being fast."

"... That was like, a perfect thirty seconds."

"Hmph. Thought it would be faster."

Kirby shot a sympathetic glance at the waiter. "Thank you sir."

Bart returned the glance before heading back. "She's some work." He grumbled as he retrieved the remaining plates and the coffees.

"Yeah." Mr. Game and Watch shook his head, although his three-frame body made it look more like a head turn. "I have no idea what he sees in her. "

"Ditto." Bart heaved the last of the plates and marched back over. Clearing his throat, he said, "And the rest of your meal."

"Excuse me, waiter," Jigglypuff pointed down at her food, "this salad's cold."

Bart could only stare at her in pure confusion. "They're supposed to be cold, mam." He deadpanned. "It's a salad."

"It also's moist."

"... Mam, it's supposed to be moist; it's drenched in Falcon Ran– er, ranch."

"Why the heck do people even eat salads then?!" Jigglypuff complained, throwing down her fork in disgust. "Next time I see Wii Fit Trainer I'm going to throw this green thing in his face! "

"That's called lettuce." Kirby said calmy, although he looked just as frustrated as her.

"I know that! Don't tell me how to pronounce things!" She snapped, throwing her napkin on the table. "Excuse me!" With that, she left for the bathroom.

"That's not what a pronunciation— and she's gone." Kirby sighed, slumping down in his chair. Looking at Bart, he sighed, "Sorry that she's acting like this. She's usually not this..."

"Dumb?" nodded Bart, pulling up a chair.

Kirby shot him a look of annoyance. "I was going to say irritating."

"Er, right, Freudian slip." Bart scratched the back of his head.

"... Sure." Kirby took a sip of his coffee. "You know, stranger, I've never have loved a girl like Jigglypuff. But lately, she's been... I don't know. She keeps rolling her eyes at me and insulting whatever I do for her. You know I got her an emerald bracelet for Christmas, and she didn't even take a second look at it. I'm talking about those expensive real Chaos Emerald replicas, not those plastic ones you get at Smash Mart. Wanna know what she told me? She said that it wasn't worth the coins I spent on it. Seriously! I spent my year's pay on that thing and she didn't even care! She's starting to really get me down... At this point I'm just ignoring her."

The bounty hunter started feeling sorry for the poor little guy. After all, Captain Falcon hated to see a fellow Smasher sad, especially after Dr. Mario's little episode. As one of the Mansion's leading ladies men, he decided that he, of course, would be the perfect man to help Kirby out with his little relationship problem.

"Look," Bart stared directly at the pink puffball, "I know a thing or two about dating women, so I figure, why not give you some advice." Kirby looked up, his eyes shining. "This is what you gotta do. Look her directly in the eyes and say, 'Honey, I'm a grown man. That means that whatever's troubling you should be left to you and you alone. Get me out of this!' Got that?"

"I'm not sure that's the right approach." Kirby frowned, squinting at the waiter. "Aren't you supposed to be supportive in your relationship? "

"Pfft, supportive." Bart waved his hand as if it wasn't even a word. "Look, I've been in twenty-five relationships. How many have you been in, huh?"

"One, but I'm not so sure that the more relationship you've been in is a good indicator."

Bart looked taken aback, as if Kirby had slapped him square in the face. "Whatdaya mean by that?"

"I mean that if your relationship has lasted longer, then that shows your expertise. If you have more relationships, doesn't that mean you have more breakups as well?"

The bounty hunter just stared with his mouth agaped, not sure how to think about Kirby's claim. "Well... Uh... Hey, you asked for my advice in the first place!"

"No I didn't." Kirby frowned. "You just sat down and started talking."

Bart was going to say something else, but all of a sudden the bathroom door opened. "Crap, gotta run!" With that, the peculiar entrepreneur ran back to his post, keeping one ear trained on their conversation.

"Hmph!" Jigglypuff grunted as she sat down. "The bathrooms are atrocious! What kind of restaurant is this? You made a terrible decision, Kirby."

"Umm..." Kirby looked nervously over at Bart. The cook only gave a thumbs up and a wink before returning to wipe down the rest of the counter.

"Quit leaving your mouth open, Kirby." Jigglypuff snapped, taking a bite of her food. "Dear Arceus, this is disgusting."

"Umm... Jigglypuff." Kirby looked back and forth between Bart and his girlfriend. "Umm... Honey, I'm a grown man... And uh..." Bart nodded encouragely. "And... What that means is that... Umm... What ever is troubling you shouldn't be... Umm..."

"Spit it out already!" Jigglypuff snapped. "You're the worst kind of—"

"QUIT BEING A JERK!" Kirby suddenly yelled. The room fell silent, the only sound permeating the fragile balance was the clock ticking on Falcon's wall. Finally, Kirby stood up.

"Excuse me." With that, Kirby ran to the bathroom with freshly formed tears in his eyes.

Bart felt horrible. Sure, maybe his advice wasn't the best (although he immediately dismissed this idea after thinking it), but somehow the bounty hunter felt like this was his fault. Kirby had seemed to make the situation only worse, for Jigglypuff was sobbing her heart out on the table. Mustering his courage, Bart walked over to their table.

"Hey, look," said Bart casually, pulling up his chair, "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, partly because you guys are the only ones in here. What's wrong, mam?"

"It's... It's nothing." She wept, wiping a tear away from her eye. "You won't understand."

"Try me."

"Well... I'm a Smasher, as you probably know," Jigglypuff began, trying to calm down, "and I've had my fair share of fights. But... There's this one guy named Captain Falcon, you see," She didn't notice Bart freeze in place, "and he's an absolute jerk. After a battle one day, he... He called me fat!"

Unfortunately, the F-Zero racer recalled that day. It was late at night, and Falcon wasn't having the best of luck that day, not to mention he was exhausted after chasing a bounty the other night. Sure, Falcon may have gotten angry when the golden hammer happened to fall next to her, and sure, he may have cussed her out afterwards and called her a few "names," but it couldn't have been that bad... Could it?

"After that, I've been on a diet," Jigglypuff explained, "trying some healthy alternatives like this gross green stuff. I even hired the male Wii Fit Trainer to help me work out! I'm going through a lot of things lately, but I guess I've been forcing it on Kirby too..." She sighed. "I've been trying to turn my life around, but Kirby... Every time we go out, he orders some huge delicious feast I can't eat and I lose my temper. I guess I haven't really been thinking about him in this process..." She started sobbing again. "I'm probably the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends!"

Bart flinched. Now it was for sure his fault for all of this. Maybe he should've kept his big mouth closed for once. Jigglypuff was obviously scarred, and Kirby was feeling the backlash of her rage. It was hard to be supportive, Falcon reflected, when Kirby was constantly reminding her of what she was, although it didn't help that he wasn't paying attention to her.

"Hey, look," Bart leaned forward in his chair, "I can tell that you're stressed. Maybe this 'Falcon' guy isn't so bad. Sure, we slip up every once in a while, but it's not like we do it on purpose. "

"Yeah, sure..." Jigglypuff sniffled, wiping her face with a tissue, "I've screwed up, but poor Kirby had nothing to do with this. I'll just apologize to him when he comes out. Thanks Bart."

"Just holler if you need me." The peculier owner nodded, running back to his post. After a minute, Kirby walked out of the bathroom with red streaks in his eyes. Before he could say anything, Jigglypuff stood up.

"Hey Kirby," Jigglypuff said, looking up at her date. "Look, I've been mean to you lately, and quite frankly I feel awful about the whole thing. I shouldn't be like that to you. I just wanted to lose some weight, and I threw you under the bus with me. Can you forgive me?"

Kirby looked taken aback by her genuine honesty. "Oh Jigglypuff..." He smiled, " You know that doesn't matter to me. I would love you either way. It doesn't matter what you look like, it just matters what you are inside. I know that sounds cheesy, but..."

"Oh Kirby!" Jigglypuff gave him a great big hug; Kirby happily returned it. "I can't believe we've been so mean to each other over something so silly as this."

"Well, it was mainly you, but sure!" smiled Kirby. Jigglypuff immediately frowned and let go of her boyfriend.

"My fault?" deadpanned Jigglypuff, squinting at Kirby.

"Well..." Kirby realized his slip up. "I didn't mean... Well, I though we were..."

"Don't tell me this isn't your fault too!" Jigglypuff snapped. "You're just as guilty!"

"How was I supposed to know that you were on a diet?!" said Kirby, trying to defend himself. "There was no indicator, or even a—"

"No indicator?! " Jigglypuff yowled. "Don't give me that! What about…"

Meanwhile, Bart stood at his post, tightly clenching the rag he held. If any of them had bothered to look over at their host, they would've seen the deranged twitch in his eyes or perhaps the red spreading across his face. Finally, when he couldn't take anymore, he yelled, "_HEY! LISTEN!_"

Both of them froze and turned to look at the owner. "You both are idiots! Kirby, she's going through a lot right now! She needs support, not your indulgence! Jigglypuff, it is your fault because you can't appreciate him! He loves you, a lot! You both love each other a lot! Shut up and love each other already! I would sack everything for a relationship as dedicated and as loving as yours!"

Both looked absolutely astonished at what he just said. The silence was maddening; Falcon's heavy breathing was the only thing that could be heard through the silence. Finally, Kirby spoke.

"Bart's right." Kirby nodded slowly. "We're both being selfish. We love each other, right?" He turned to look at his girlfriend. "Sure, we argue a lot. And eat a lot. And argue while eating a lot. But that shouldn't matter because I'm the luckiest guy in the world." He held Jigglypuff's hand. "And I'm glad it took a complete and utter stranger to finally realize that."

"Me too!" Jigglypuff happily embraced him again, smiling. "You're right, Kirby. It shouldn't matter what I look like, just as long as you love me." She looked at her salads, practically untouched. "Let's eat some real food, okay?"

"Are you sure?" Kirby asked, his eyes lighting up.

"Yeah. Bart, get us five of everything on the menu. Except salads, of course."

Falcon recalled his shop's motto: "Five minutes or less or you eat free for a month!" He immediately flinched.

"That's what I get for opening my big mouth..."

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><p><strong>Poor Captain! Although, mind you, it really was his fault in the first place. I bet most of you didn't know that Falcon has another idenity (and underneath that, another identity) or that Bart Lemming owns a coffee shop! Although most of this info is disputed, I decided that I would add this for Falcon just to add depth to his character.<strong>

**So this was my first romance novel! I've always found Jigglypuff and Kirby to be an awkward couple.**

_Then why did you write about them?_

**...**

**Anyways, I hoped you guys enjoyed this. Romance isn't my strong suite, so let me know what I could've done better. Till next time, have a nice day!**


	2. Chapter 2: Valentines Day

**I got grounded, so I'm uploading this story from school. Yay.**

**Also, I was surprised how popular this story became, so as usual I came out with a sequel. Because yes.**

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><p>Chapter 2: Valentines Day<p>

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><p>It's not everyday you get to repeat your nightmare.<p>

Of course, it couldn't have come at a worse time. It was high-noon, the rush hour for The Falcon House. Bart was quickly dashing around, serving the tables as fast as he could. Mr. Game and Watch was working feverishly in the back; Falcon could see pans and food flying everywhere from the small bar top where he picked up the food. Occasionally, Bart would rush inside to help the Flatlander, but when he heard that accursed bell ring from the front counter he would dive back outside and await the next order.

Bart enjoyed the hard labor. There was nothing more exciting than racing against the clock and satisfying his customers simultaneously. Usually at the end of the hard day's labor, Falcon would have worked up a nice sweat and a mischievous grin on his face to repeat it all over again.

But it could've been any other day than Valentines Day. Any other day before they returned.

Bart was cleaning up the countertop when the tiny high-pitched bell over the front door let out a shrill sound throughout the coffee house. Surprised, Bart's hand flew to the side, knocking down his pen cup. Angrily, Captain Falcon bent over to pick up the writing utensils, chastising himself for being so careless. Then, much to his dismay, a familiar sound echoed throughout his ears.

"Hey!" Jigglypuff started slamming hard on the front bell. "Where's the desk jockey? HEY!"

"Not them again..." Falcon nervously groaned, putting his face in his free hand. "Any day but today... Literally! Last time they nearly ate me out of business! I swear, if they think they can stomach another all-you-can-eat-buffet, they have another thing coming for them!" Putting on his best smile, he stood up and said, "Welcome to the Falcon House! How may— Hey, it's you guys again! Kirby... Right?"

"I'm Jigglypuff, remember?" The pink puffball rolled her eyes. "Bart, you're so strange."

"Sorry, I get names confused sometimes!" Bart smiled, trying to play dumb. "How may I help you two this time?"

"Actually, it's the four of us." said Kirby casually as he approached the countertop. "We're on a double date for Valentine's Day. Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man are coming as well. They're in the back parking."

"Pac-Man... And... Ms. Pac-Man?" The bounty hunter gulped nervously, imagining the huge yellow ball eating up his whole pantry. Falcon knew Pac-Man had a reputation for having an appetite as big as Kirby's, so the imagery in his mind wasn't helping. His daydream got even worse when he added a second yellow ball and Kirby and Jigglypuff and— he needed to stop before it got any worse. "He's... He's married?"

"Apparently so." Jigglypuff didn't notice the waiter's shaky hands as he returned the clattering pens to their cup. "I told them about your five-minute policy, and they couldn't believe their ears! And when I told them about your food... Well, they nearly fainted in excitement!"

Falcon looked like he was about to faint right there and then before Kirby quickly interjected, "Don't worry about us, by the way. Mr. Game and Watch talked to us about what nearly happened last time. I promise we won't be such gluttons again. But," he added with a mischievous smirk, "I'm not holding back from a good meal! Hahaha!"

Bart looked relieved. "Oh... Well, in that case, feel free to—"

"Order for Table Sixty-Four!" Mr. Game and Watch called out, sliding the plates onto the tray window. "A potato soup, a toasted ham sandwich, and two lemonades."

"I thought I was the one who made the drinks!" Bart barked, glaring at his chef as he grabbed the plates.

"You're the one procrastinating!" Mr. Game and Watch retorted. "I'm working my fingers off back here and you're just standing there talking like Captain Falcon! He has a big mouth, you know!"

"... Shut up!" Casting a sheepish smile to the couple, Bart quickly dashed off to deliver his orders.

"...He's a strange one." Kirby reflected, watching the waiter precariously dash over tabletops towards the opposite end of the room. The customers didn't act surprised, as if this was normal.

"He's definitely a character." Jigglypuff agreed with a sigh. Then the bell over the door rang again as two yellow balls entered the room.

"Hey, I remember this place!" said the closest one, a man. He wore red boxing gloves and shoes and a huge smile slapped across his face. "I loved this back in the day!"

"I thought you said you hated this place!" The other frowned, a woman. She wore red high heels, gloves, and a huge bow on her head. The red lipstick on her face complimented the mascara on her eyelids, and as she spoke her beauty mark on her face danced around joyously. "I haven't been coming here for years because of you!"

"Pish posh." Pac-Man rolled his eyes. "You haven't been here before."

"I swear, there was another Falcon House here in Smash City!" Ms. Pac-Man protested. "I think it was run by someone named Capta—"

"Hey there!" Bart quickly dashed back to his post just in the nick of time. "How may I take your orders?"

"Oh!" Pac-Man looked astonished by his speed. "Say... You look familiar... Do I know you?"

"Umm... Of course not!" Bart smiled nervously. "I would remember someone like you! Heheh..."

"I guess..." Pac-Man frowned as if he didn't believe him.

"Say, do you know of another Falcon House?" asked Ms. Pac-Man. "I swear I've been in this coffee house before."

Crap... thought Bart when he realized what was happening. Back before Smash City was a sprawling metropolis, he had run the restaurant under Captain Falcon. When that restaurant went under (apparently no one trusted the bounty hunter enough to serve delicious food), Falcon had "sold" the franchise to Bart Lemming. The Falcon House had been thriving since 2001, but apparently Ms. Pac-Man remembered it somehow from a distant memory. Shaking his head, he lied, "No ma'am, this is the only Falcon House ever, yes ma'am. Heheh..."

"Huh, I swear I've been here before..." The Namco wife sighed. "Oh well. What do you want dear?"

"I don't know..." Pac-Man frowned. "Last time I went here my food wasn't very good..."

"But I thought you said you loved this place!" Jigglypuff protested, looking quite surprised at his sudden change of heart. Bart could tell there was a certain edge to her voice when she addresses the Namco character, but Falcon just ignored it like usual.

"Well, I used to," Pac-Man admitted, scratching the back of his head, "but I got this really bad fish one time and it ruined it for me. It was really weird and black and I think it was, what, 2-D? Ugh. Anyways, I'm not really interested in anything on the menu."

"Well if I would've known you hated this place I never would have offered to come here!" replied Jigglypuff, an annoyed look on her face. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I said you could choose." admitted Pac-Man with the same annoyed expression as Jigglypuff. "So I let you choose."

"But I wouldn't have choose here if you didn't like it!"

"Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it."

"Shut up and order already." Falcon grumbled from underneath his breath. The line behind them was quickly getting longer and longer, and at this point Bart was getting nervous.

"We'll go, don't worry about it."

"No no, I said it was fine. I'll just order something light."

"Are you sure?"

"Trust me, I'll manage."

"I mean, there's this quaint place not far from here called—"

"Guys, let's just eat here!" Kirby gesticulated. "I'm sure Bart's not going to let Mr. Game and Watch serve up some crappy fish again! We're keeping him waiting!" Turning to the waiting cashier, he said, "We'll take four lemonades. I'll have two toasted chicken avocado sandwich, Jigglypuff will have the potato soup with three baskets of crackers. Ms. Pac-Man?" He turned to his female friend. "You may have the floor."

"I'll have the garden salad and the same thing as Kirby." She nodded. "And Pac-Man will take the toasted fish sandwich. No excuses!" she added, shooting her husband a glance.

"Great!" Bart said, smiling as he jotted down the order. "I'll get it done in a jiffy!" Tearing the order off of his pad, he threw the paper back to Mr. Game and Watch. As he accepted their money, Bart couldn't help a sigh of relief. It looked to him that today they were going to just be regular customers with a slightly bigger appetite. As he took the next order, he smiled a huge stupid grin. This is going to be an normal day from here on out, he thought.

But hey, this is Smash. Nothing's ever normal.

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><p>No sooner than when they sat down, another argument had already sprung up from Pac-Man and Jigglypuff.<p>

"I should have payed for that!" Jigglypuff protested as they sat down. They had chosen a table close to the huge glass windows in the front. From the giant glass panes, they could see the famous Melee Mansion in the middle of the Smash Park, towering over the landscape.

"No no, it's fine," Pac-Man insisted as he took his seat closest to the window. "Anyways, I've saved the world thousands of times. I think I can pay for lunch every once in a while."

"I've heard a little about your adventures," Kirby nodded, sitting across from Ms. Pac-Man, "but I'm not too familiar with them. Can you tell me about them?"

"No problem!" Pac-Man smiled as he leaned back carefree in his chair. "I'm the guardian of my home world, Pac-World. Back in the day, I held the line between the Spectral Realm and the real world. You know Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde, right?"

"The four ghosts?" recalled Kirby. "Yeah, how could I forget? You used them as your meteor smashes, right?"

"Bingo!" Pac-Man smiled. "We used to get into fights all the time. Sometimes they would invade the Pellet Forest to steal the Power Pellets or try and take over the world either as pawns or independent agents. There was a couple of times in high school when we used to work together to stop this guy named Betrayus."

"Wait, wait, wait." Jigglypuff interjected. "Betrayus?"

"Yes. What's wrong?" Pac-Man frowned.

"Betrayus. Like, Betray-us?"

"Yeah? And?"

"That's literally the stupidest name I've ever heard." Jigglypuff laughed. "Betray. Us. Betrayus! Let me guess, he betrayed you? Hahaha!"

"Jigglypuff..." Kirby tried whispering to his girlfriend. "Don't—"

"What are his parent's name? Befriendhim? Backstabbingme? Man, I could go all day!" Jigglypuff fell out of her chair laughing, totally ignoring Pac-Man's somber expression.

"I lost my parents to him in the Pac-World War." He deadpanned, his expression blank.

Jigglypuff stopped laughing, her face filled with less horror than it probably should hold. "Oh... well, now I know."

"It's... It's fine." Pac-Man grinned hollowly. "It was a long time ago. I stopped him."

"So..." Ms. Pac-Man tried changing the subject. "Kirby, I've heard you've been on many adventures yourself."

"Oh, countless times!" Kirby's face lit up at the change of subject. "Nightmare, Meta Knight, King Dedede... Er, scratch that last one. He's not much of a villain anyways."

"Who, King Dedede?" Pac-Man frowned. "Isn't he that jerk that keeps stealing my food at breakfast?"

"Yes."

"He's not a villain?"

"Well," Kirby shrugged, "let me think. Most of the time he's been controlled by someone else, like Yin-Yarn or the Dark Matter... I had two adventures where he actually helped me... And I don't remember the last time he's threatened the universe and all of his inhabitants. He's just tried to steal their food."

"My main antagonists have threatened the universe countless times!" Pac-Man laughed, slamming his fists down on the table over dramatically. "Dedede's a joke!"

"Honey," Ms. Pac-Man tried to interrupt, but she was cut off by Jigglypuff.

"You mean they've only been minions to someone bigger." deadpanned Jigglypuff. "In other words, useless ghosts that Luigi could beat up." Pac-Man immediately shut up, staring back at the pink puffball.

"Hey guys, I got your orders right here." Bart said as he dashed to their table. "One... You guys okay?" He noticed, staring at Pac-Man and Jigglypuff.

"Never been better." said the pink Pokémon, not breaking her gaze from the yellow ball.

"Perfectly fine." agreed Pac-Man.

Bart shrugged, serving the food. "Okay. Gotta go fast!" The waiter was about to dash off, but Kirby grabbed him by the arm.

"Could I have a quick word with you?" He whispered. "Privately?"

"Umm..." Captain Falcon looked at the clock. "If you hurry."

"Great." He pulled him away from the table. When he was confident that they were far enough away from the table, he wailed, "What the heck are you doing?!"

"Excuse me?" Falcon lifted his eyebrow in confusion.

"Last time we argued you were all over us trying to help!" Kirby exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

"My job?" Bart didn't quite understand what Kirby was getting at.

"I thought you were the love expert! The romance guru! Mr. Twenty-Five People!"

"See, I'm still not following you."

"Isn't it— I guess you're not there." Kirby sighed. "Jigglypuff and Pac-Man have been at each other's throats for days now in the Smash Mansion. You see...

* * *

><p>"Oh boy do I smell a cake!"<p>

Pac-Man walked into the kitchen, smelling the fresh aromas that erupted from the kitchen. A perfectly decorated cake sat in the center of the kitchen, resting like a shiny trophy in the center of the granite countertop. Kirby had told him thousands of times that, "Anything left unguarded in the kitchen was free game. That's what Master Hand told me, and I'm sure that means you too."

And boy did that cake smell good.

The cake was well-decorated, but there was no time to appreciate minuscule details as Pac-Man stuffed the whole thing down his throat. The flavor of the cake was absolutely divine! Strawberry cheesecake had nothing on this beauty, and Pac-Man would kill for a strawberry cheesecake. And the roasted pistachio dust on top just—

"Happy birthday Jigglypuff!" The Smashers said, leading the Pokémon into the kitchen. Everyone had worked hard to make this the best birthday possible for their favorite pink Pokémon, and Kirby had spared no expense paying for the ca—

"WHY THE HECK HAPPENED TO THE CAKE?!" Kirby yelled, astonished at the disappearance of the sweet treat. Pac-Man sat on the countertop awkwardly, frosting outlining his lips.

"Heheh... My bad..." said Pac-Man sheepishly.

* * *

><p>"A couple of days ago, Ms. Pac-Man offered a suggestion that we go on a double date so they become better friends, but they've been nonstop arguing ever since we got into the car. At first it started out polite, but now it's escalating quickly. I chose The Falcon House because I knew you could resolve our issues, but— are you even listening to me?"<p>

"I get you, yeah." Bart nodded, absentmindedly staring at the wall over the hero of Popstar.

"Look!" Kirby grabbed the waiter by his oddly familiar scarf and dragged him close till they were face to face. "Please, get over there and help me out! They're arguments are getting more and more aggressive and soon even you will feel the backlash."

"Look kid," Bart pulled himself away from Kirby's grasp, "That's not my job. I cook. I clean. I run a business. That's what I do. If you're looking for a relationship guru, I suggest you look elsewhere. Now excuse me, I have orders to attend to." With that, Bart dashed towards the bar top to grab more plates.

"Argh!" Kirby growled, casting one last glance at the peculiar owner before returning to his seat. Based off of Ms. Pac-Man's bored expression, things had not gotten any better.

"There's no way Kirby's done more than I have!" Pac-Man barked, his eyebrow's scrunched together. "Two-hundred fifty-six levels. Two-hundred fifty-six!"

"That doesn't even count!" retorted Jigglypuff, leaning in closer. "You're comparing the dream world— no, the entire dream universe to a stupid single world!"

"Actually honey, it's not necessarily the—"

"My home world, thank you very much!" replied Pac-Man. Now they were both yelling. "Kirby couldn't even handle the real world if he tried!"

"Guys, it doesn't matter." said Kirby (although that last comment stung a little). "Let's just eat lunch, okay?"

"And quite insulting Kirby!" agreed Ms. Pac-Man, smacking her husband. "He's been quite a generous host to us!"

"Humph!" Pac-Man and Jigglypuff looked displeased, but they didn't say anything else. The table sat in awkward silence as they tore into their lunch. The tension was thick between Jigglypuff and Pac-Man. Both of them refused to look away from each other out of pure spite. Kirby felt uncomfortable. It was Valentines Day, for Pete's sake! They should be talking and laughing and smiling. There was plenty of people that didn't get the opportunity that they did, and here they were, wasting it away.

Ms. Pac-Man leaned in towards Kirby. "Sorry for the mess. I thought a nice lunch would help."

"Yeah, me too..." Kirby agreed, looking at Bart as the waiter dashed around from table to table. The hero of Popstar felt slightly betrayed by the racer in disguise, but he knew that it wasn't technically his job to fix their relationship. He just felt as if Bart could've at least tried. Turning back towards the table, Kirby said, "So everybody... How's the food?"

When no one responded, Ms. Pac-Man took the lead. "Oh, my sandwich is fantastic. The chicken was perfectly seasoned. How's yours Jiggly?"

"I don't know." Jigglypuff growled. "Pac-Man, how's yours?"

"The fish is undercooked." Pac-Man deadpanned.

"Liar!" Jigglypuff grabbed the sandwich from the Namco character and took a bite. "It's fantastic!"

"Jigglypuff!" Kirby jumped in surprise. "What the heck are you doing?!"

"He insulted you, and now he's lying! Taste for yourself!" Jigglypuff handed her boyfriend the sandwich. "I caught this sociopath in the act!"

"Don't you dare call my husband a sociopath!" Ms. Pac-Man ordered. Now she couldn't help but intervene in the argument.

"Jigglypuff, he's right." said Kirby after he had taken a bite. "There's seriously something wrong with this fish."

"Ha!" Pac-Man scoffed back at Pokémon. "You're trying to kill me! How are you going to explain that to the police?!"

"As if you have any proof!"

"Don't test me, you balloon!"

"What did you just call me, jerk?"

"Tart!"

"Son of a Koopa!"

"Shut up and just make out already!" Someone in the back yelled out.

"Hey, is everything all right over here?" asked Bart as he checked on the commotion. "I heard yelling and—"

"Bart!" Jigglypuff barked. "Get us twenty plates of toasted tilapia sandwiches! We're having an eat-off, unless this coward's too afraid!"

"As if!" Pac-Man retorted, rolling up is imaginary sleeves. "You may have the biggest mouth missy, but I got the biggest stomach!"

Bart's eyes got wide as tennis balls when he realized what was happening. "This is the one time I should have opened my big mouth ..."

"Hurry up desk jockey!" Jigglypuff barked as if he was nothing more than a trained hooligan. "Don't make me remind you of your five minute policy!"

Without a second to spare, Falcon took off dashing for the kitchen. Kirby groaned, doing as close to a face palm as his round figure would allow him to do.

"See what happens Bart..."

.o0O0o.

As Bart barged through the kitchen doors, he yelled, "Mr. G! Twenty fish sandwiches stat!" Looking around the room, he couldn't see his trusty cook anywhere. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted a slip of paper sticking out of his apron; Falcon quickly snatched it up and read it aloud.

* * *

><p><strong>Bart,<strong>

**Out to lunch break now the the rush is over. See you later!**

**Mr. G&W**

**P.S. We're out of bread. You might need to stop by Smash Mart.**

* * *

><p>"AH COME ON!" Falcon yelped, crumbling the paper into a ball and tossing it perfectly into the trashcan. Out of desperation, Bart grabbed the keys to the Blue Falcon and dashed out the back door. As he called his car from the Smash Mansion garage, he mumbled to himself, "I really need to change that darn policy..."<p>

.o0O0o.

"Yeah, nothing's new here," Toadette, Smash Mart's cashier, said over the phone. "It's so boring lately, Bombette."

"Don't even get me started." The voice at the other line said. "Goombella is driving me crazy. Did you hear she dumped Goombario?"

"Get out!" Toadette shouted. "They were the most solid couple I knew!"

"She said he wasn't caring enough. Goombario! Are we even talking about the same person?!"

"Man, I wish Toad would take me out every once in a while." Toadette sighed. "He just stays at the castle and guards Peach all day. Nothing ever interesting happens h—"

She screamed as a giant blue racing car came plowing through the front doors. Glass shards flew across the room, luckily hitting nobody. The cockpit open, and a crudely-dressed Captain Falcon jumped out of the car.

"SHOW ME YOUR BREAD!" He yelled. Bart had gotten changed in the car, trying to avoid people discovering his real identity. His helmet was crooked on his head, and both his yellow golashes and gloves were missing, replaced by bare flesh. As he spoke, he buttoned his blue racing jacket and looked directly at the mushroom girl.

Toadette gawped in awe, staring at the giant gaping hole in the front of the building.

"Don't just stand there! Where's the—" Falcon turned behind him to assess the damage. "Right... "I'll pay for that too..."

.o0O0o.

"LOSER!"

"FATSO!"

"YELLOW!"

"PINK!"

Kirby and Ms. Pac-Man looked bored, staring off into space as their significant others argued it out. Lazily, Ms. Pac-Man asked, "Where's the waiter? The five minutes are nearly up..."

"FALCON THROW!" A loud voice could be heard from the back kitchen (although no one payed attention to it). Twenty plates came flying out of the bar top, sliding perfectly in front of the two angry balls. While Kirby admired Bart's incredible accuracy, Jigglypuff and Pac-Man immediately dug in, barely even taking a second to breath.

"Done!" Pac-Man and Jigglypuff said as they finished their places in a matter of seconds.

"I could go for some more!" Jigglypuff scowled.

"Me too!" Pac-Man agreed.

"Guys!" Kirby yelled out, "This is a coffee house, not an all-you-can-eat-buffet! Please, you're—"

"SHUT UP!" They said unanimously. "BART! MORE FOOD!"

.o0O0o.

Bart was getting that feverish work out that he always craved, although it wasn't what he had expected it to be like. Jigglypuff and Pac-Man were eating the food faster than he could cook, and without Mr. Game and Watch's help it seemed that managing the front desk, cooking, and cleaning was all but impossible. He had barely managed to slip off his racing clothing in between all of the frantic work. Finally, after fifteen minutes, Bart had had enough.

"Where's the food?!" Pac-Man demanded as Bart came marching over to the table.

"You're slacking, desk jockey!" taunted Jigglypuff.

Bart looked over at Kirby, who only gave an encouraging nod and a smile. Falcon grinned his big stupid grin, knowing full well what to do.

"_HEY!_" He yelled, slamming his fists down on the table. "_LISTEN!_" The room fell silent, the only sound the ticking clock on the wall.

"You!" He pointed directly at Pac-Man. "You've got some nerves! They say your carefree and happy, but look what happens when your too carefree: you ruin someone's birthday. That's right, Kirby told me all about that." He gave a nod to the pink puffball. "Be more considerate about others. Think before you act! Don't just assume everyone's going to be fine if you do something. Ask! Also," he quickly added, "stop eating the yogurt on the third shelf of the fridge. That's not for you!"

"How does he know about—"

"You!" He said as he turned towards Jigglypuff. "Little lady, I thought I lectured you enough! Stop being rude to people! Everyone screws up! Everybody! That doesn't mean that you should haunt them forever about it! Forgive and forget!"

"Says you..." She grumbled, although from the look on her face Bart could tell that she knew he was right.

"I may not practice what I preach," proclaimed Bart, "and I may not be the best man that ever lived. Heck, I've been in twenty-five relationships. Twenty-five. Not one of them lasted longer than yours has. Just look." He gestured towards Ms. Pac-Man and Kirby, "These two loved you so much they were willing to sit with you guys in a public coffee house and bare through your arguments. That's love. You're lucky. Don't be like me." With that, Bart left to get a drink of water after his long soliloquy.

"Ah shucks..." Pac-Man scratched the back of his head. "Now I feel awful for putting you guys through that. Sorry Pepper."

"It's fine." Ms. Pac-Man smiled. "That strange waiter's right: I do love you. Nothing would ever change that sweety. Sure, you do some stupid things, but that doesn't mean you aren't a person. Everyone screws up every once in a while."

"I'm sorry too," Jigglypuff said with a sigh. "I shouldn't kept bugging you about the cake. You already apologized tenfold and I shouldn't have been so rude about it."

"I apologize too." sighed Pac-Man. "Man, that waiter's good. I am careless sometimes. I should have checked before I acted so rashly. But that was no reason to call you names like tart or balloon."

"Hey, at least there's a couple more hours left of Valentine's Day!" Kirby smiled. "How about we go mini-golfing, huh?"

"Great idea!" Pac-Man smiled, giving his signature thumbs up. But then his face got dark.

"Hey, who's paying for all this food we just ate?"

* * *

><p><strong>I hoped you enjoyed it. I feel kinda bad for uploading this before Valentines Day, but that's life for ya. I'm really considering continuing this story, so let me know what you think. If you think that's good, leave a review. If you think that's the stupidest thing you've ever heard, I have a story poll on my page you should check out. Because yes. <strong>

**Have a nice Valentines Day everybody! **


	3. Chapter 3: Enter Mr Game and Watch

**Since I botched up the earlier Falcon House chapter by posting it prematurely, I thought it would be nice to publish another quickie (quick-y? Quick-e?). This is not in the same style as my other chapters. Why, you don't ask? Because this is dedicated to us single guys out there who are alone on Lupercalia— er, Valentines Day.**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter. I promise not to post such serious things in this little collection often.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 3: Enter Mr. Game and Watch<p>

* * *

><p>As Mr. Game and Watch closed up The Falcon House for the night, he couldn't help but let out a sigh. Another long Valentines Day, another day without anyone to care about him. It was a cool night, the wind gently brushing up on his skin. The faint glow of the moon illuminated his path as he started home bound, the occasional streetlight brightly shining on the concrete pavement. For fun, the Flatlander made a hat out of the infinite Shadow Bugs that courses through his veins and put it on his head. He stopped by a window to look at himself. It was a nice little fedora, he remarked. It complimented his attitude at the current moment.<p>

As Mr. Game and Watch strolled down Smash Street, he saw the Melee Mansion sticking out in the center Smash Park. The manor stood in the center of Smash City. Old and decaying, it looked ominous at this time of night. The dark unrecognizable paint was peeling off the house, trying in vain to escape the monstrosity of the shack. The holes in the roof revealed the rotten oak wood beams that hid behind it, supporting what little of the canopy remained. Planks of grey old wood stuck out of the house like sticks in a pile: jagged and broken and dangerous. Dark trees loomed around it, as if they were reaching hands, trying to grasp anything that passed by.

That's not how Mr. Game and Watch remembered it.

Pausing for a second, a bit unsure of what he was about to do, Mr. Game and Watch entered Smash Park. It was quiet, minus the sound of crickets here and there. The stone path had become a bit uneven, but Mr. Game and Watch didn't feel the unusual rocky texture as he started up the path. It had been many years since the Flatlander had even thought about coming up to visit his old home. When Master Hand had decided to expand Smash Mansion for Brawl, the hill which Melee Mansion resided on was deemed "too unstable" to expand upon. Trying to compromise, the Hand of Creation created a new Smash Mansion on top of Smash Cliff ("People sure like naming things Smash around here," Mr. Game and Watch joked out loud), the same place they had defeated Tabuu.

But it didn't feel the same. It didn't feel like home.

Many people forgot about Mr. Game and Watch, too many in his opinion. He had been the first stepping stone in the dawn of time when the Nintendo universe had just started, and from there the universe had expanded. Mario, Link, Kirby, Pikachu... All products of Master Hand and Mr. Game and Watch. But for who? But for what? No one recalled what he had done. No one cared to remember his birthday, or his favorite color. Just a occasional, "Hey there Mr. G!" in between matches.

ROB, Mr. Game and Watch, Mega Man, and Pac-Man always sat together at their little table in the Smash Cafeteria. Many had joked about how they were the "Old-Schoolers," but when it was true there was nothing to be ashamed of. ROB was the monotonic robot who merely enjoyed the company of his friends (after Tabuu had annihilated his race). Mega Man was the classic example of heroism, bravery, and determination, but in reality was shy of other people (regardless how much publicity he had, he felt extremely uncomfortable in one-on-one conversations). Pac-Man was the lucky carefree Namco Character that Mr. Game and Watch had grew up with back in 1980, and he was a friend who came in the time of need.

And there was him. The nothing-special, curious Flatlander who had a knack for puns. What you saw was what you got.

Even though he hanged out with robots, Mr. Game and Watch had feelings. Sure, he couldn't discern right from wrong, but he could feel. He had emotions just like anyone around him, but they were often ignored. There was nothing that annoyed him more when he was drowned out of a conversation, especially when he was speaking first. Maybe it was that his voice was soft, maybe it was because people just expected him to crack a pun instead of having a reasonable point; Mr. Game and Watch didn't know. Sometimes he felt as if he wasn't there nothing would change. Sometimes he felt like he was the one wearing the mask instead of Meta Knight or Samus. He had to get up everyday, put on the smiling mask, go downstairs, crack some puns and fight, work at The Falcon House for a couple of hours, come back home, and take it off.

No one cared for the Flatlander.

Well, that wasn't fair. ROB was always an open ear to talk to, when he was depressed. But was he really listening? ROB couldn't feel emotions like happiness or sadness or anger, no matter how much he tried to emulate it. Did he understand the pain in life everyone else suffered? Did he feel the loss of companionship as he patrolled the halls at night or reflect in silence for his lost people? Mr. Game and Watch found it a question he couldn't answer.

Mr. Game and Watch climbed the last steps of the long winding path up to Melee Mansion. Near the front door, there was a small pond. The old Grand Star Fountain used to work, but years of neglect and carelessness caused it to mold and clog up. The koi pond, although lacking of its namesake fish, still flowed with water, lying gently still in the pale moonlight. Lily pads and an assortment of lotus lay quietly in the pond. The pond, although aged, didn't look a day older than when he had last saw it.

He smiled, recalling how he was the caretaker of the little paradise. Everyday after matches, he would take hold of his cleaning supplies, put on his diver's helmet, and get right in there. He would make sure that their pond was in tip-top shape for any visitors that came over. After he was done and had taken a nice long hot shower, he would smile and sit on a wooden bench Diddy Kong had carved the first time he visited the Mansion and just enjoy the smooth lapping waves from a distance. It was tranquility, in his opinion. Nothing felt better than to watch the lapping waters of the koi pond whether he was happy or sad.

He broke his silent reflection to smile. The same old inviting bench was resting in the same place it usually did. As he took a seat, he closed his eyes and listened to the blowing wind.

"Mr. G?" A voice behind him said. Mr. Game and Watch turned his 2-D head and saw Captain Falcon climbing the steps towards the Mansion. "What are you doing here?"

"Ditto." He responded, just as surprised to see a face at the mansion as the captain was. "I didn't expect anyone to be up here at this time of night."

"Me either." The captain admitted. Hesitantly, he asked, "Mind if I join you?"

"Help yourself." In reality, Mr. Game and Watch felt a mixture of apprehension and anger towards the bounty hunter's sudden appearance. No one irritated the Flatlander more than the smug, arrogant, and egotistical Captain Falcon. Everyday he would parade around the mansion, displaying how great he was and that everyone was inferior beneath him. "FALCON PUNCH!" or "FALCON KICK!" The man was so vein that he couldn't even do a move without saying his own name. But Mr. Game and Watch was a pleaser, so he allowed him to take a seat on the old bench.

"Thanks." Falcon said, flopping on the bench. "I needed that. You wouldn't believe the kind of day I've had."

_I think I can, _Mr. Game and Watch thought, but didn't say aloud._ You were probably out galavanting around for women or racing around the streets at high speeds like Wario at a Garlic Festival._

"I loved this old place." Falcon suddenly bursted. "Melee was something, eh?" He lightly shoved the annoyed Flatlander. "You join Smash then, if I recall. The ladies, the stages, the food you cooked! And of course, I won the tournament!" He smiled smugly. Mr. Game and Watch rolled his eyes, hidden by his dark face.

But then he added, "But that's not really why." Mr. Game and Watch frowned at his sudden change of mood. "Back then, I... I was creditable. Back then, I didn't have to be... Captain Falcon. I was a serious character, minus my goofy moveset of course. I bet you didn't even know I own an archipelago or that I'm— if I say so myself— I'm a hero!" He laughed, rubbing his face. "But that's all behind me now. 'I'm Captain Falcon, serving justice with my knee. _FALCON PUNCH!_' and crap like that. I used to be the hero of Mute City. When's the last time I did something? When was the last time I did something right?"

Mr. Game and Watch looked shocked as the captain leaned forward and put his head in his hands. The Flatlander patted the bounty hunter on his back, unsure of what else to do.

After a minute, he said, "But hey, that's the life I live now." Falcon smiled his smug grin and looked at the Flatlander. "I used to be shy, you know. I barely even said a word when I won the Grand Prix. I just dashed on home. Now, I'm larger than life. Now I'm a hero in another word. Sometimes I think to myself 'They only like me because I'm funny.' But then I think, 'Falcon, they like you because of who you are.' If everybody was like me, then the world would be a perfect place, right? Hahaha!" Falcon bursted out into a jolly laugh that made the Flatlander smile.

"Sorry if I talked you ear off buddy." Falcon patted Mr. Game and Watch roughly on his back. "Just something that's been bugging me. Let's just enjoy this beautiful night, eh?"

Both of them sat in silence as the night progressed onwards; they never even thought to utter another word. When it was finally midnight, Falcon offered the Flatlander a ride back to the Mansion. He gladly accepted.

Mr. Game and Watch still felt alone, there was no doubt.

But being alone is better with a friend.

* * *

><p><strong><span><em>Guest Review Response Corner<em>**

**Guest #1: Thanks so much for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it! The original one-shot was actually supposed to involve all four of them, but after much debate, I slimmed it down to two because like you said, four round spheres is hard to keep up with for poor old Falcon (after the first chapter, however, _NO REMORSE!). _After much debate, I'm going to continue this series of one-shots, so I hope you stick around for the ride! Again, thanks for taking time to review, and have a nice Valentines Day!**


	4. Chapter 4: Robin Spices Things Up

**Huh, I slept so much that I must have written this chapter through osmosis...**

**Smash King24 brought up an excellent point in his review, and actually guess the next chapter before I had written it.**

**Yes, they do need help.**

**Also, those who recall in a distant memory my story _The Paper Snowflake_ remember me mentioning this character as a police officer, which wasn't how I meant to portay him to be. Someone (ihateslash604) had asked about that, and I never responded to their question. So as you can see, my guilt bled into this story. Hopefully, you enjoy this chapter because I had a blast writing it.**

**(Say this next part in the announcers voice)**

* * *

><p>Chapter Four: Robin Spices Things Up!<p>

* * *

><p>"Yes Chief?"<p>

Lead Forensic Scientist of the Smash City Police Department (SCPD) Robin entered through the small doorway of Police Chief Leed's office. It was an unorganized mess in there; stacks of unsorted papers and miscellaneous paper coffee cups lay scattered across the carpet floor and wooden desk. Chief Leed wasn't known for being organized, as evident by his crazy curly hair and his peach fuzz mustache that wiggled about as he talked. But Leed was a firm leader, demanding a no nonsense environment around the office space. Everything was done strictly and according to the book, just like Robin liked it. However, on this certain occasion his boss eyed him with a gentle but sincere look that caught the tactician off guard. Robin took a seat in front of his boss, unsure of what to expect.

"Robin, you're a good kid." Leed began, "And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I hate beating around the bush as well. The SCPD is letting you go."

"What?" Robin gasped, nearly falling out of his seat. "But... I'm your lead forensic—"

"Yeah yeah, I know kid." Leed grabbed a random cup of coffee on his desk and sniffed it cautiously. When he had determined it was safe to drink, he drained it in a matter of seconds. "But your Smasher duties are interfering with your police work, and I can't have you coming in on your free time. We need hands that are readily available, not vigilantes that work on their own schedule." Leed sighed as he finished the cup. "And unfortunately, I can't do anything about it."

"But... But!" Robin protested, trying to find something to say.

"Sorry kid, but that's not my call to make. I argued to keep you here. Told the commissioner you're the best one we got. But the word is law, my friend. And we enforce the law. If you want your job back, take it up with the commissioner or quit Smash. Your choice, and I think we both know which one you'll choose."

"I could be a consultant! Maybe just work part time!" Robin suggested, trying desperately to keep the job that he loved.

"Kid, there's nothing more I can say." Here was the firm Leed he knew. "Get going before I have to kick you out. Now if you excuse me," he eyed the coffee pot in the other room with a look of longing, "I have important... business to attend to."

Robin couldn't even utter a word as Leed left the office.

* * *

><p>"Great. Now what?" Robin grumbled as he walked down the desolate Smash Street with a box in his hands. Rays of light dimly sparkled off of the glass panes of the tall skyscrapers and apartment complexes that dotted the city. The faintest taste of salt hit Robin's tongue from the western winds that gently caressed the metropolis. For the most part, the streets were desolate, minus a couple of busy Waddle Dees or Miis or Koopas. Robin cherished the fact no one got to see his walk of shame from the station to the Smash Mansion, which resided on Smash Cliff across the city.<p>

Robin had been a forensic scientist for about ten years in Smash City, helping some of the department's most interesting cases, and he absolutely loved every second of it. Of course, when the tactician got the letter to join Smash, he couldn't believe his eyes. He had hoped to keep concurrent jobs, but now that looked highly unlikely. "How the heck am I supposed to get money now?" He asked himself somberly. "Master Hand pays nothing but room and board, Robyn's birthday is coming soon, and I'm broke. What am I supposed to do now?"

Then, a lightbulb above his head turned on.

Literally.

All of a sudden, the rays of a billion suns hit Robin in the eyes. The tactician quickly raised his arms to shield his eyes, but in his haste forgot he was holding his box. Hitting himself square in the chin, Robin doubled over in surprise. The box spilled everywhere, revealing the contents of his former desk. A angry snarl was heard above him, followed by a few unnecessary words. Finally, the lights turned back off.

"What the heck does this even say?" Bart Lemming, AKA the impeccable Captain Falcon grumbled as he stared at an instruction booklet. He was near the top of his modest restaurant, The Falcon House, working on some electrical wiring. From what Robin could see, the racer was working on plugging in a new red neon sign for the coffee shop that read "The Falcon House." Bart was precariously perched on a ladder, holding a numerous amount of extension cords in one hand and a booklet in the other.

"Is this even English?" growled Bart, squinting his eyes. "This might as well be written in Japanese or something!"

"Falcon?" said Robin, looking at his fellow Smasher. Out of all the Smashers he had expected to be waltzing around the city, the bounty hunter was certainly the last person he would expect. That or Ganondorf.

"Wha—" Bart jerked around suddenly, causing the ladder to rock. With remarkable speed and agility, Falcon grabbed on to the ledge of the roof as the ladder came crashing down. "Who's— Who's there?"

"It's me, Robin." The tactician replied, getting up and rushing over underneath the bounty hunter. "What are you doing here?"

"Umm... I don't know who this Falcon guy is!" said Bart in a panicked tone. "Just get me down from here!"

"Really?" Robin frowned, crossing his arms. "You take off your jumpsuit and just expect that I won't realize that your the Captain?"

"Are you getting the ladder or not?" Falcon grumbled, angry that someone finally caught him.

"One sec," Robin looked over at the metal ladder, which now lay on it's side in the street. "Just give me a second before you drop."

"Drop?"

"Wait, no—"

Falcon let go of the ledge prematurely, squashing the poor tactician. Smiling, he said, "Thanks buddy. Although I have to say, the ladders a little bit squishier than I remembered." Looking down, he saw his fellow Smasher lying face down on the pavement. "Huh, usually my car does this for me."

"Get off me, you great lump!" Robin complained, gasping for air. As Bart stepped off of the tactician, the mage started wheezing. "You're so heavy! How do you move so fast?!"

"I live a strenuous life!" Bart smiled, extending a hand to the tactician. As Robin got up, Falcon added, "What the heck are you doing up this early in the morning?"

Now that he was on his feet, the mage finally got a good look at Bart. The racer was dressed in surprisingly casual clothing. He was sporting a leather jacket over a dark navy undershirt with light blue jeans and brown loafers. His infamous yellow scarf lay covering his neck. His face was rough; his brown hair hiding a barely visible scar above his left eye. Most notably was his belt buckle, which had a picture of a falcon with its wings outstretched engraved into it. "Work business." replied Robin casually. "What are you doing Falcon?"

"Don't call me that!" Bart said, covering Robin's mouth and glancing around suspiciously. "No one can know my secret identity, ya hear?"

"But how could they not notice?" Robin's muffled voice asked. "Your scarf, The Falcon House, that Falcon belt buckle, heck, even your motto 'We serve Falcon Fast!'"

"Shut up! It was the best thing I could think of to replace my 'five minutes or less' thing!" Bart barked, dropping his hand. "You listen here: you tell no one, and I repeat no one who I am, okay? Promise me!"

"Sheesh, calm down man!" said Robin. "Your secrets safe with me."

"Good." Bart eyes the tactician suspiciously. "Here's the plan: I'm going to hang up this sign and you're going to walk the other direction and we'll pretend this never happened. Good? Great." With that, Falcon grabbed the ladder and propped it back up against the house. Grumbling, he looked at the instruction manual clenched firmly in his hand and started mumbling to himself.

"If you want to, I could help you out." Robin offered.

Bart waved his hand in protest. "You're not walking away like we agreed to."

"Give give me a second." Robin started climbing the ladder. Grabbing the extension cords, he started messing around with them.

"Hey, that's my property you're messing with!" Bart barked, looking at the tactician. "You better not—"

"Done!" Robin smiled as the sign turned on at a bright yet subtle light. Falcon stared dumbfounded, scratching his head.

"Huh, what do you know..." He frowned, staring fondly at his new sign.

"It was simple once I got up there." Robin explained as he got off the ladder. "You were just—"

"Yeah, yeah, I was doing something wrong, shut up and leave already. Business starts in twenty-five minutes."

"A thank you is usually preferred." Robin retorted.

"I'll thank you once you find me a cook." Falcon grunted, patting a help wanted sign on his window. "Three weeks I've been looking for another hand and three weeks I've been let down. You try and find me someone and heck, I'll give you a hug."

"It looks like Naga had all the stars aligned for today..." Robin whispered underneath his breath. Louder, he said, "I'll take that hug now."

"Excuse me?"

"You're looking at your new chef!" Robin proclaimed. When Bart looked unconvinced, he added, "I've been reading a lot of cooking books lately, not to mention I have a Minor in Culinary Arts."

"Who the heck takes a Minor in Culinary Arts?" Bart mumbled under his breath.

Unfortunately, the Ylissen heard his smug comment. "I'll have you know that Ylisse has a fine history of culinary skills, thank you very much!" Robin retorted. "In fact, my great-grandfather was a premier chef renown across the continent for his Asian fusion dishes!"

"They had Asian fusion dishes back then?" The bounty hunter mumbled to himself, even more confused.

"The point is I can help you now that I have the free time." Robin offered, extending his hand. "How about it?"

Falcon stared at him suspiciously. "You'll start at minimum wage."

"Fine by me."

"You'll start out working small."

"Cool."

"No breaks until major holidays."

"It's your establishment, not mine."

"Are you up to date with the heath regulations?"

"I can brush up... from last night."

"Are you fine working with 2-D characters?"

"Mr. Game and Watch? Of course."

"Who's hotter, Lucina or Samus?"

"...What?"

"Hmm..." Falcon stared him down for a long time. Finally, he shook his hand. "You've got a job. Come on in."

* * *

><p>Robin entered the empty coffee house and was immediately mesmerized by the sight. The restaurant was nearly covered in red carpet with a intricate swirling pattern. The huge glass windows in the front of the coffee house let in the golden morning light on the metallic tables. Booths filled in the wall space towards the back while tall metal tables and chairs floated freely in the center. On the right side of the room, the flooring was completely brown stone. Towards the bathrooms, a stage sat idle with a single microphone sitting in the center. Four couches, two yellow and two green, surround a square dark wood coffee table towards the front corner of the establishment. Bart casually whistled as he walked towards the countertop that stood against the back wall with a small bar top overhead.<p>

"So where do I start?" Robin asked enthusiastically, clapping his hands together. "Do you want me to go cook up some chips or something?"

"Nah," Falcon reached under his desk. "I have something better in mind."

"What's tha—" Robin flinched as the racer threw a bucket and a mop at him. "A fair warning would be nice!"

"Use the faucet out back." Falcon said, grabbing both his chair and a copy of Smash Weekly. Plopping down, he opened the magazine and started reading it. "I want this floor shinier than Pac-Man's forehead by the time you're done with it. After that, vacuum the carpet."

"I thought you said you were starting me small!" complained Robin. "Also, you keep a mop under your desk?"

Without looking up, he said, "One: I am starting you out small. Only Mr. Game and Watch and I do the cooking around here till I say so, got it? Two: yes, yes I do."

Robin felt angry, but he didn't say anything more. Grabbing the cleaning supplies, he walked out the door without another word. A few seconds after he had left, Mr. Game and Watch came in with a box in his hands.

"Hey, look what I found!" The Flatlander smiled, placing the box on a table. "Someone left it lying in the street. Can you believe it?"

"That's nice." Bart said, not looking up from the magazine.

"There's like, a police badge, a cell phone, some files, a lot of books, even a bag of pistachios!" Mr. Game and Watch opened the bag and started cracking them. "I love these things!"

"Uhh huh, yeah."

"Ooh, check this baby out!" The Flatlander pulled out the Levin Sword and started shining it on the rays of the sun. "I'm totally going to use this during my next match!"

"Hey, I got the— OH SHOOT THAT'S NOT FOR YOU!" Robin dropped his stuff and came rushing in to grabbed the sword from the Flatlander's hand. "Oh thank Naga you picked my box up for me, Mr. G."

"Robin? What are you doing here?" Mr. Game and Watch asked.

"I'm employed here, Mr. G." Robin smiled, placing the sword back in the box. "Falco— er, I mean, Bart," Without looking away from his magazine, the peculiar owner gave him a thumbs up from the countertop, "has offered me a job here since Chief Leed fired me."

"Haha, Leed!" Mr. Game and Watch smirked. "Like in a lead in a case?" When no one laughed, he sighed. "Right, I'll shut up now."

"Chit-chat later, business starts in ten minutes and I still don't have clean floors or food a-cookin'." Bart snapped his fingers lazily. Robin rolled his eyes as he started mopping the brown stone floor.

"Oh yeah." Falcon smiled from behind his magazine. "I'm going to enjoy this."

* * *

><p>Robin was not enjoying this.<p>

Falcon was perhaps the most arrogant person he had ever met, and that arrogance bled into his job. Robin just wanted to punch that smirk off his face that appeared every time he saw the tactician clean up messes. Robin was angrier than Sonic at a water park, expect he couldn't run away at high speeds like the hedgehog. He desperately needed the money, much to his dismay, so quitting wasn't an option at this point. He had to admit, after the first day Falcon had loosened up on him, but being a busboy was still being a busboy. The mage had specifically remembered being hired to cook, and last time he had checked cleaning the chili stains off of a coffee mug (seriously, how?) wasn't cooking a delicious meal.

It was Friday; it was the third day he had been working for Falcon. Robin was mopping the floors as usual while Falcon read yet another copy Smash Weekly. Mr. Game and Watch was in the back, cooking up something that smelled of bacon. To the tactician, it felt like just another normal day.

But hey, this is Smash. Nothing's ever normal.

_**RING RING!**_

"Hello?" Bart picked up his cell phone and flipped it open. "Who is this?"

"Hey, it's me." At the sound of her voice, Bart immediately ducked behind his counter.

"Oh, hey there Samus..." Falcon winced, looking around to make sure nobody was nearby. "How's it going?"

"I got your mail. Again." She said flatly.

"Oh, cool." Falcon smirked. "Hey, I'm out chasing a bounty, but coul—"

"ROB's been telling me you're slipping it in my Mansion Mailbox every morning."

"What?" Bart puffed, trying to act defensively. "No. How dare he? You know he's probably confusing me with someone else."

"Then how did your mail end up in my mailbox? For like, the seventeenth time this month?"

"Hey, blame this month's Mansion Mailman, not me. It's hard keeping track of everybodys—"

"ROB is this month's mailman, you twit." Bart flinched, forgetting that little detail. "I swear Douglas, when you get back I'm going to shove my arm blaster right up your—"

"Umm..." Bart looked around suspiciously. Quickly, he knocked over his pen cup. "Oh shoot! He's making a run for it! Gotta dash!" With that, he slammed his phone shut and let out a sigh of relief.

"Is everything alright back here?" Robin asked, looking over the counter at the waiter.

"Just dropped my pens, that all!" Bart smiled, gathering them up. With extra force behind his voice, he added, "Aren't you supposed to be cleaning?"

"Aren't I supposed to be cooking?" Robin retorted.

"Last time I checked, no."

Robin bit his tongue before returning to work. The racer stood up and sighed, trying to figure a way out of the Samus situation.

"Okay," Bart said, looking at the clock. "Here's the plan. I have to run to Smash Mart and pick up some chocola— I mean, more bread or something. It's about rush hour as well, so I'm going to have to rely on you, Robin, to serve the orders." Robin's eyes lit up for a second, but then Falcon added, "No cooking! I mean it. While I'm gone, Mr. G is in charge. You do everything he says, got it?"

"Agreed." Robin looked at the racer with a glum expression, much to Bart's delight.

"Great. Now if you excuse me..." The racer dashed out the doors like Sonic at a chili dog festival.

"What did he say?" Mr. Game and Watch walked out of the kitchen doors. "I heard something about a chock?"

"No, not that." Robin sighed. "Bart needs to get more bread."

"We have plenty of bread though." The Flatlander frowned. "Humph. Oh well. I guess I'm serving during rush hour then, right?"

"Well no, actually I—" Another lightbulb appeared over Robin's head, but this time it didn't burn his eyes.

"Why yes, yes you are."

* * *

><p>Robin took a step back into the kitchen, sporting Mr. Game and Watch's 2-D apron (ironically, the apron was only a border outline of an apron, just like in the Flatlander's old game Chef, so it didn't catch much to begin with). The kitchen was bigger inside than it looked, Robin reflected as he washed his hands.<p>

"Hey, first order's up!" Mr. Game and Watch yelled before Robin even had time to put on a hairnet. "Two orders of chicken Caesar salad, hold the tomatoes on both."

"Easy enough." Robin smiled, pulling out the lettuce. "Mr. Game and Watch was cooking the chicken before I got in here, so I—"

"A tilapia sandwich, a hamburger with cheese, ketchup, mustard only, homemade chips, and a chicken avocado sandwich with everything on it ASAP." Mr. Game and Watch barked as he placed the ticket on the ticket tray.

Robin frowned. "Huh. I guess I'll have to work faster. I'll work on the hamburgers first so I—"

"Three orders of mozzarella sticks stat!" Mr. Game and Watch yelled. "Robin, what the heck are you doing? You're behind the schedule!"

"Is this a diner or a coffee house?" Robin gasped, just finishing the first salad.

From the bar top window, he could see Mr. Game and Watch shrug. "Honestly, I have no idea. Sometimes it fluctuates back and forth. I just cook here man."

"Sweet Naga what have I gotten myself into..."

* * *

><p>"Okay, chocolates, chocolates," Bart mumbled to himself as he entered Smash Mart through a very conspicuous hole in the front of the building. "Does Samus even like chocolates? Who cares? When she sees that I got her something sweet like this she'll swoon over me. Ladies eat that crap up, right? Right. And with a bit of luck she'll forget about the whole mail thing, heheh."<p>

"Hello, welcome to Smash Mart," Toadette said, walking up to Falcon. "How may I help you?"

"Do you have any chocolates or something?" asked Bart, looking around. "Like, something leftover from Valentines Day?"

"We have a sale on Mountain Dedede if you're interested." Toadette chimed. "Three cases for ten dollars. It's that rush of the Arctic that gamers love!"

"Umm, no, just the chocolates."

"What about some Donkey Kong bananas? They'll make you OOK for more."

"I just want chocolates, thank you very—"

"Fresh Cucoo eggs? Sweet Star Bits? Or perhaps some Moomoo Milk for a bowl of Mari-Os?"

"Lady, get out of my way." Bart pushed the tiny Toad aside. "I'll find the chocolates my—"

"How about some Falcon Fruit Punch?"

"Is there any discounts for celebrities?" The waiter asked as he came rushing back like a blind puppy.

.o0O0o.

An hour later, Captain Falcon (fully disguised for the discounts) came walking out of Smash Mart with six cases of Mountain Dedede, four boxes of Mari-Os, seven Donkey Kong bunches, three cartons of Moomoo milk, Dr. Mario multivitamins, two frozen containers of Mega Flan, a bag Diddy's Peanuts, and of course, ten juice cartons of Falcon Fruit Punch. Whistling, Falcon opened up the trunk of the Blue Falcon and started loading up his groceries.

"Wait a minute," Bart froze, grabbing the container of Falcon Fruit Punch. "This is copyright infringement! I own the rights to Falcon Punch! And I still didn't get the chocolates!" Throwing the bottle aside, he clenched his fists in rage.

"Oh, that lady's good."

* * *

><p>"Robin?" Mr. Game and Watch walked into the kitchen. "Where are you? You're behind on the orders!" When there was no response, the Flatlander frowned. "Robin?"<p>

"Over here." A weak voice said from underneath a countertop. Confused, Mr. Game and Watch crouched down to see the tactician huddled up in a ball. He looked terrified, rocking back and forth.

"What the heck are you doing down here?" asked Mr. Game and Watch, confused. "We're fifteen minutes behind orders, and people look about ready to leave!"

"Bart was right, Mr. Game and Watch." replied Robin, the terrified look still plastered across his face. "I'm not ready for the kitchen. There's way too much work. I can't do it, I can't!"

"Then why did he send you back here?"

"I lied." Robin admitted. "He told me not to go back here. But I did, didn't I?" He started laughing. "I'm an idiot! A first class idiot!"

The Flatlander shot him a sympathetic look before saying, "Get up, you pansy."

"What?"

"You heard me." Mr. Game and Watch dragged the mage out from underneath the countertop. "Quit being a pansy. You think I didn't have trouble my first day as chef?" The Flatlander started laughing, much to the surprise of the tactician. "We were so behind that Bart worked overtime just to catch up. I was so embarrassed! But you know what he said to me? He looked me in my face and said, 'Stop whining and get it done! If everyone sat around and cried, how the heck would we get things done?' And like that, we dashed back into the fray and fixed it all up. I was astonished what I did when I put my mind to it! So put on your man pants and let's get it done, okay?"

"I—"

"OKAY?!" Mr. Game and Watch jumped up and slapped the tactician. Robin's eyes went wide in surprised, but a second wind of confidence followed suit.

"Yes sir!" He said.

* * *

><p>"How about some Mountain Dedede?" Toadette suggested to Shulk, her most recent victim. "Or maybe some Falcon Fruit Punch?"<p>

"Look ma'am," He said politely, although he did looked tempted. "I'm just here for some Mari-Os, that's all."

"What if I told you we had some specials on Mega Flan?

"Actually, that does sound—"

"FALCON PUNCH!" The racer came flying in the room preparing his signature punch. Making contact, he sent the little mushroom girl flying into the wall, effectively knocking her out.

Smiling, he turned to Shulk. "You're welcome."

"WHAT THE BLOODY HECK WAS THAT?" Shulk cried out. "YOU JUST PUNCHED A GIRL?!"

"But I just saved you a boatload of money." Falcon smirked. "And that didn't even take you fifteen minutes."

"BUT WHAT THE BLOODY HECK _WAS THAT_?!" Shulk repeated as the racer dashed off to find his chocolates.

"Kids these days..." Cranky Kong muttered to Diddy Kong as he watched the scene unfold. "Back in my day, I would've just thrown a barrel at her."

"And probably kidnap her as well." Diddy rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's go get your Falco Fiber One bars before Donkey Kong gets home."

"Bah!" Cranky Kong barked, waving his free hand in the air. "Back in my day, you had to be tagged in during multiplayer..."

Diddy rolled his eyes, leading the senile ape away.

* * *

><p>"Hey guys, I'm back." Bart whistled, walking back into The Falcon House. "You wouldn't believe what happened."<p>

"Hey Bart!" Robin said through the bar top window. Falcon froze, shocked at the mages sudden appearance. "You should've seen it. Mr. Game and Watch and I cooked up a storm back here!"

Bart gawped in a mixture of anger and confusion, dropping the chocolates he held in his hand. Luckily, the plastic case protected them as they fell on the carpet. Mr. Game and Watch came walking out with his chef hat on, whistling. Little 2-D musical notes (semi quavers, for those who care) came floating out of his mouth, disappearing every few seconds.

"Oh hey there Bart!" The Flatlander greeted him. "You wouldn't believe the day we've had! There was so many orders, but man, we served some fools—"

"My office." Falcon deadpanned, fully aware the whole restaurant could see him.

Mr. Game and Watch flinched. "But sir—"

"_NOW_!" He yelled, anger erupting from him. Mr. Game and Watch flinched again. As he walked away, he took of his hat and clutched it sadly in his fists. Quickly, Robin got in front of the Flatlander, his arms outstretched.

"Bart, this was all my fault." The tactician admitted. "I screwed up, and—"

"We'll talk later." Bart growled, pushing the mage aside with ease. Robin flinched, watching as the two chefs went into the back room. The door closed firmly behind them.

He didn't see the Flatlander the rest of the day.

* * *

><p>For the remainder of his time, Robin cautiously cleaned the tables and dishes. The peculiar owner had said nothing to Robin after Mr. Game and Watch had mysteriously vanished. If it was some sort of mind game, it was working. Robin felt awful throughout the whole day, not knowing Mr. Game and Watch's fate. He couldn't believe Falcon could've had the heart to fire the Flatlander. Did Bart hate him cooking that badly? But then again, why hire him? Robin didn't understand it at all. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore.<p>

"What more do you want from me?" Robin finally said after Bart closed the place for the night. Angrily, he threw down his mop. "Congratulations, you've proven your point."

"What point?" Bart snorted, walking back to grab his jacket on the countertop. "Nice touch with the mop, by the way."

"I don't know, but there has to be some reason you're putting me through this torture." replied Robin. "Mr. Game and Watch didn't even do anything wrong. I wanted to cook and I screwed up. You shouldn't blame him!"

"And I don't." said Bart calmly, as if the tactician was nothing more than a fly that needed to be swatted.

"Great, blame me, hate me, chastise me! But at least let me do what I was hired to do!" Robin begged.

"I am: you were hired to do the small stuff."

"You said chef. Chef! Did you not see how well we did today?"

"I did. Mr. Game and Watch put in a good word for you."

Robin finally snapped. "You, sir, are the worst boss ever! You're rude to the customers, you're arrogant, you have the biggest ego I've ever seen, and worst of all, I can't even stand your cooking! I don't understand why so many people come back to this dump!"

"It's your job to clean it." Bart smirked, but the tactician could tell it was half-hearted. That gave him the confidence to keep going.

"You are by far the worst man I've ever met, Bart Lemming! I wouldn't be surprised if you never got another woman again, Mr. Twenty Five! I hate you!" With the last words, Robin's voice echoed through the empty restaurant. Bart just stood there, unmoving and expressionless. The tactician started breathing heavily, prepared to defend himself if the bounty hunter physically attacked him. Finally, Bart spoke.

"I hired you to cook." Bart nodded, seriously thinking. "I know that. But you aren't ready yet, Robin."

"What could you possibly be talking about?" The mage gesticulated. "I'm more than—"

"You don't understand." Bart waved his hand, his face covered by the shadows. "You're not mature enough. Robin, this kitchen is a sacred place. Wednesdays through Sundays every week, from eight to six at night, Mr. Game and Watch and I go back inside that kitchen and cook food. You think, 'Hey, add some spices here, fry an egg here, it's easy.' But you're wrong. This establishment isn't about how fancy your college degree is. It matters how much you care."

"I do care!" Robin protested. "I do!"

"Really?" Bart walked over to a table and flipped it over so violently that Robin flinched. "Does this table looked de-gummed to you? Do the bathrooms look as prestige as the day I showed you how to clean them? Does this floor look shiny to you, even though you've been mopping it since who-knows o'clock? I asked you to do these simple things, but did you get them done?"

"Well, I was cooking—"

"Your effort's sloppy kid." Bart deadpanned. "You call me lazy, but I get my work done and have tons of time to spare. You can barely even tie your own shoelaces. Mr. Game and Watch told me how you crawled underneath the countertop. I don't let you cook because you can't handle it yet. I can trust Mr. G to get it done alone, but if I leave you alone for five minutes you'll go crawling back under there. You're not ready for the kitchen until you learn that every little thing matters. Performance. Precision. Presentation. It's much like a car, now that I think about it." Bart laughed at his own joke. "You need to care about what you do, Robin. I see the potential inside of you, but you need to unlock it yourself. Can I trust you to do that?"

Robin looked taken back by Bart's genuine speech. This wasn't the reaction he had expected, but he did consider his point of view. Finally, the tactician said, "Give me the opportunity to prove you wrong, Bart, and I'll show you what I can do, I promise."

"Good." Falcon pointed to the clock. "Are you aware of Falcon Fridays?"

"No..."

"Every month, once a month, we stay open late from seven to midnight and do something special, whether it's date night or listening to bands preform. Today, it's Date Night. I have an hour to set up the room with the most romantic setting possible. And let's face it, I know nothing about romance."

"And...?"

"Mr. Game and Watch has paid leave tonight. I gave it to him."

"And...?"

"Well..." Falcon smiled his huge smug grin. "I need a chef."

Robin smiled back at him. "And I still need that hug."

* * *

><p><strong>Ahh! Character development! Don't you love the fresh smell in the morning? If you are curious about even <em>MORE<em> character development, I have a poll up on my page about the next chapter. Eh? Eh? **

**Speaking of polls, it looks like the next story is going to be _Seven Struck the Hour_, a mystery humor story! Ooh! I should start working on that soon, just so you can get a taste. The murderer will be solvable, I promise you that! Kinda funny how two of the most important characters are two of the main characters in this story. But _The Falcon House _shall continue undisturbed! Because yes!**

**As usual, reviews are appreciated. They take five minutes out of your day to make someone else's. Good or bad, I'm all ears! (****Also, do you like the new picture for the story?)**

**So till then, work hard, keep you head up, and smile! Have a nice day!**


	5. Chapter 5: Date Night

**A/N: Finally. I'm done. Arceus that took forever. I've literally been pack up to my neck in stuff. **

**Also, credit where credit is due (stupid moral compass...): Child at Heart Forever is the one who got me hooked on idea of Robin(M)/Robyn(F) in order to distinguish genders. I'm not sure if she got it from anywhere else, but I do know for sure that I did get that idea from her. So shoutout.**

**While I'm giving out credit, I would be lying if I didn't say Smash King24 got me on the idea of Falcon and Robin (Oh my gosh, that sounds like a superhero duo) as a comedic pair. Check him out if you haven't as well. Help us try to make his story, It Came From Lucina's Head, the most popular horror/slice of lifeness story in the Smash archive. Because yes.**

**Anyways, I'll save my rambling for the end and let you enjoy the latest chapter of The Falcon House already.**

* * *

><p>Chapter Five: Date Night<p>

* * *

><p>"An hour! A freaking hour in and nothing!"<p>

Bart paced angrily around The Falcon House, occasionally looking at the clock. It was eight o'clock at night, the usual highlight time for Date Night. By now, people were supposed to be flooding in like a crashing current on a surf break, but so far no one had entered the humble abode. Bart usually loved Date Night Falcon Fridays; it was his favorite event to host. Falcon Fridays had become a tradition back in 2010, when Falcon and Mr. Game and Watch decided to celebrate the year anniversary of defeating Tabuu. It was such a popular event that Bart decreed that they do it every month once a month for both fun and profit. Not like he needed the money though; turning in bounties raked in more dough than Amiibos.

And Amiibos rake in a lot of money.

"Cheer up Falcon." Robin encouraged him from the kitchen. The newest member of the team had become the chef for the night, cooking what smelled to be a fantastic dinner. He was sporting Mr. Game and Watch's apron, which the mage had taken a particular liking to for some odd reason. As he spoke, the tactician was adding a dosage of coconut milk to his red curry. "Someone's bound to stop by soon."

"I know..." Bart hung his head in self-pity. "But usually there's someone here by now."

"Well, at least we've got two more hours to go." Robin said optimistically. "And the place looks lovely!"

It was true. After The Falcon House had closed for the night, Captain Falcon and Robin had spent an hour decorating the room. No more metallic tables lied idle around the coffee house, but real wooden spruce and beautifully etched chairs. Real red silk tablecloths blanketed the tables, barely reflecting the dim light of the ceiling. On each table, Robin had placed two red roses intertwined inside a glass vase, and candlelight flickered back and forth as if a welcoming gesture for all who sought it. The place had really transformed from the casual coffee house, Robin observed. It was just a real shame that no one was attending.

"Nah, this looks to be a bust." Bart shook his head as he adjusted his black suit. The F-Zero racer had refused to tell Robin where he had acquired such garments for both himself and the tactician, and even scarier was that the bounty hunter had managed to get them in his perfect size. "Let's pack up and go home; I'll give you paid leave. I'm tired anyhow."

Robin shrugged. "Okay, if you really want to—"

_RING!_

Bart and Robin looked at the entrance as a small crowd of people came pouring in. In front of the group stood Mr. Game and Watch, proudly standing next to Rosalina. The Flatlander was wearing a black 2-D top hat and an outline of a tie while Rosalina was wearing a spectacular black and gold dress. As they approached, the Flatlander tipped his hat to his boss in respect.

"Mr. G? Rosal— er, mysterious lady? What are you doing here?!" Bart managed to ask as he looked at the crowd behind them, astonished beyond belief.

"Well, Rosalina was asking me about my job," Mr. Game and Watch explained, "when lo and behold, I bring up Date Night out of all things!"

"I have never been on a 'Date Night' before." giggled Rosalina, putting her hand up to her mouth. "So when the Ancient mentioned that you were hosting such an event I begged him to take me!"

Bart assumed by "the Ancient" she meant Mr. Game and Watch. Sometimes the space princess would slip into archaic tongue that confused everybody except the Flatlander. Go figure.

"So while we were talking, Kirby overheard us and practically told the whole Smash Mansion!" Mr. Game and Watch smiled. "A few of us came over to liven the place up. It looks like it could use it, anyways..."

"Well... Wow!" Bart smiled back. "Thanks guys! This means a lot to me! My name's Bart, by the way." He nodded to the princess. "Welcome to The Falcon House! Please, let me show you to your seats."

"I would be delighted!" Rosalina smiled her pretty smile. Soon afterwards, Bart had introduced most everybody to a table, using what Robin called "basic human decency." Mario, Link, Pac-Man... The all-star list went on and on. The whole time Bart couldn't believe that they were even in his restaurant out of all places. Thoughts of dread and happiness clashed inside his head, but mainly Bart was just mirthful that someone cared enough to show up. Falcon placed his hands on his hips proudly as he got on the small stage near the back, smiling bigger than Majora's moon.

"Thank you so much for attending my humble establishment, great Smashers!" said Bart into the microphone. "I am Bart Lemming, owner of this fine coffee house. May I say that I am grateful for your time and your generosity to a humble plebeian such as myself." Bart bowed down dramatically, causing a small wave of applause to ripple inside the restaurant. "I must say, I'd have never expected this kind of turnout! Let me just say thanks to the guys who gave ol' Tabuu a shiner, eh? I appreciate all you do for us in Smash City, and I'm humbled to host this Date Night for you. Falcon Fridays are a tradition ever since we— er, you guys— beat Tabuu, and it's a monthly event that's been going on for about five or six years now. You don't realize how much we need you in the world, and I can't imagine a world without each and everyone of you guys. Again, thanks so much, and I will guarantee you'll have a great evening. Now enjoy!" The Smashers applauded the chef, who only blushed at the attention.

"Man, he must be internally condemning himself right now." joked Robin as he brought Mr. Game and Watch his breadsticks. "I've never heard him so humble. It's kinda unsettling."

"Are you kidding me?" The Flatlander snorted. "For him, it must be like swallowing Planet Zebes. He's never this modest."

"I do admire his tenacity then." Rosalina reflected thoughtfully, gently grabbing a breadstick. "If what you say is true and he is truly so vein, it must take a lot of strength to swallow such pride. That is some rare courage that many in the universe only dream of having."

Robin looked at Bart, who was laughing nervously on stage. Although the racer looked solicitous, he was taking it on the chin, smiling his huge stupid grin. He couldn't lie: once he had gotten to know Falcon he was a pretty cool guy. As the racer returned to his position behind the countertop, Robin joked, "How long have you been preparing that one?"

"Three years ago." admitted Bart, wiping his forehead with a handkerchief he kept in his shirt pocket. "After this place began gaining popularity, I realized the possibility of a large hoard of Smashers walking in. It's a good thing too; that speech has been sitting in my pocket for ages now." He took out a folded sheet of paper from his pocket and tossed it into the metal trashcan underneath the countertop. "Woo, that was nerve-racking. So Rosalina and Mr. G: is that a thing?" He gestured over to the couple.

"No clue." replied Robin. "It doesn't look like it though."

"Well, she's looking good in that dress." Falcon said. "Much better than that white and gold thing she wore at the Smash Banquet."

"Really? I thought it was black and blue." Robin frowned, crossing his arms.

Bart thought about it for a second, and then shrugged. "Who cares, it's an ugly dress anyhow. Anyways, let's get dinner ready. With the amount of time you've had to prepare it, the food should be a five star meal."

"Trust me, it'll blow you away!" Robin promised, smiling. "I've got a rich cheesecake prepared for—"

_RING!_

"Hey!" A voice yelled out from the entrance. "Who's the loser who runs this dump?"

"Dark Pit, don't be so rude." Robyn said, stepping inside from the cold. She was wearing in a elegant red dress that froze every man's heart in the room. Her white hair was neatly combed, flowing downwards like a gentle stream. "Mr. Game and Watch works here."

"So?" Dark Pit scoffed, trying to straighten his black tie. The dark angel was dressed in a fine black suit, a quite unusual change from his usual messy demeanor. As he spoke, he ran a hand through his dark and extremely gelled hair. "I never liked him anyways..."

"Hey!" Mr. Game and Watch barked, who was sitting the closest to the entrance.

"Yeah, shut up." Dark Pit didn't stop playing with his hair until it was back to its normal messy self. "That's better!"

"Oh crap." Captain Falcon quickly ducked underneath the countertop. Robin frowned at the racer, confused.

"What are you doing?" He asked, just staring at his boss.

"I'm—" Bart grabbed the tactician's arm, dragging Robin underneath with him. Quietly, he continued. "I'm hiding."

"From what?" Robin whispered, trying to match the racer's diminished voice.

"I don't know!" Bart admitted. "I do this sometimes when I need to talk to myself."

"You talk to yourself?"

"...Maybe."

"Man, we really need to get you a girlfriend."

"Shut up!" Bart carefully looked over the countertop. "Of course, out of everybody it had to be them."

"I don't know why you're complaining!" said Robin. "That's my sister he's with. Since when have they been going out?"

"..." Bart looked away, much to the tactician's surprise.

"Bart... What was that?"

The peculiar owner grinned sheepishly at his employee while scratching the back of his head. "Heheh, funny story..."

* * *

><p>"Well this could go either way, quite frankly..." Douglas J. Falcon said with a gulp, stopping at the door. He had been preparing for this conversation for almost two days, but he still didn't feel prepared enough. Carefully, he reached up to knock on her door.<p>

_KNOCK KNOCK_

"Who's there?"

"Hey Samus, it's me... Captain Falcon."

The door swung open, and out flew a fully Power Suited Samus. Kicking down the racer, she pointed her arm cannon directly at Falcon's chest and began charging her Charge Shot. The racer looked terrified, holding both of his hands out and dropping his heart shaped box.

"It went the wrong way!" Douglas flinched, closing his eyes and turning away from her.

"Give me one reason I shouldn't shoot you where you stand!" Samus growled, her voice slightly robotic due to the Power Suit.

"I'm on the floor?"

"There goes any regrets."

"Wait, wait!" Captain Falcon grabbed the box that he had dropped and held it straight up. "I'm here to say I'm sorry for putting my mail in your mailbox!"

Samus froze, pausing to think. "So you bought me chocolates." Her face hidden by the green visor that masked it, Falcon felt unsettled by her monotone voice. Finally, he sighed.

"Look, I get it: I shouldn't have done it. But it was the only way I could ever see you outside of matches."

"Don't you think there was a reason for that?" She snarled, poking her arm cannon at his chest.

"Well I'm sorry I don't give up!" Falcon retorted. "Also, could you ease up, lead foot? I can't... breathe..."

Samus sighed before lifting her metal-clad leg off of his chest. The F-Zero racer started wheezing heavily, trying to catch his breath.

"That's... That's better." said Falcon, using the wall as support.

"I'm only doing this because this is so... uncharacteristic of you, nothing else." Samus stated flatly. Turning around, she began walking back in her room.

"Wait!" said Falcon, holding out the plastic box. "You forgot your chocolates!"

"Keep them." deadpanned Samus. With that, she slammed her door firmly shut in the racer's face.

"Huh." The bounty hunter shrugged, standing up straight. "I'm counting that as a win."

* * *

><p>"I'm confused." Robin said after he had finished. "What did that have to do with Dark Pit and Robin?"<p>

"Huh?" said Bart, looking confused for a second. Then his eyes cleared. "Oh who, Dark Pit? Yeah, he's a pretty cool guy. Why do you ask?"

"But what was the point of—"

"Oh yeah, right. That story. Gosh, you're so self-centered sometimes."

"..."

* * *

><p>Captain Falcon and Dark Pit were sitting on the Smash Mansion couch, watching the TV out of pure boredom. Both looked practically dead, staring off into space. The two Smashers had finished their matches for the day, so they had an unfortunate amount of free time on their hands. Yawning, Falcon grabbed the remote and started to flip through the channels.<p>

"Breaking News!" announced Olimar of Smash News, causing the racer to stop on the channel out of pure curiosity. Dark Pit moaned, putting one of the couch's pillows over his face. "In a shocking turn of events, Police Commisoner Clamp Grosky has gone missing. After years of service in Scotland Yard, the SCPD has officially started an investigation into his disappearance. Today, Acting Commisoner Leed announced in a press conference that no stone would be unturned in the investigation."

The television screen quickly changed to what looked to be an earlier recording of Leed. The police chief was fully dressed in his blue police uniform, decorated with multiple medals. He was standing behind a podium with the Smash City Police Department logo on it, and as he spoke his peach fuzz mustache wiggled like a worm.

"Oh my gods, he looks like a potato grew hair." Dark Pit groaned, rolling around on the couch. "Someone shove Mr. Potato Head back into the ground before my eyeballs melt."

"Shhh, I'm trying to listen." Falcon grumbled, slightly interested.

"Clamp Grosky is the finest man I know," said Leed, commanding the stage with his presence and captivating the audience. "And I promise everybody that I will not rest until we find him. Until then, the people of Smash City should feel no drastic change in the police department. I will do my civic duty and help the people of this city just like he would. We shall deliver peace! We shall deliver justice!" The crowd started applauding wildly, cheering Leed's name.

The screen flipped back to Olimar. "Most people know Clamp Grosky from the Misthallery case, in which he helped Professor Hershel Layton with the mysterious Last Specter."

"Well that's sad that he's missing." Alph said surprisingly cheerfully, patting his papers on the news desk. "Almost as sad as my fan base."

"True that, Alph," Olimar laughed in agreement. "True that. Well, that's all for the morning Smash News. Tune in at six to learn what you don't know in the next five minutes could kill you. Thanks for watching."

"Ugh!" Dark Pit groaned. "The news is so boring!"

"Gosh, you complain so much!" Falcon retorted lazily. "Why don't you go bother Robin or something? Just let me watch TV in peace."

"Hey..." Dark Pit smirked. "That's not a bad idea..."

"Of course it's not." responded Falcon, slightly agitated. "I came up with it!"

But by then, Dark Pit had already left the living room.

* * *

><p>"So when I said Robin," Bart smiled sheepishly at the mage, "he may have taken it as Robyn with a 'y', not an 'i'. I noticed that they've been hanging out together a lot recently, but I didn't think that... Well... Heheh..."<p>

"You set my sister up with an egotistical evil angel!" Robin chastised, punching Falcon in the arm. "Are you crazy?!"

"Well, for the record, I meant to send him to annoy you!" Bart defended himself. "And she's not even technically your sister!"

Robin froze at the last sentence. The racer was right: Robyn wasn't actually his sister. Before the tournament had begun, Master Hand had explained to the tactician that Robyn was from a parallel universe in which he was actually born a girl (which totally weirded him out). His "sister" had been added to the roster because of reasons the Hand of Creation wouldn't explain, but Robin found it too strange not to think about her in any other way.

"... Whatever! Either way, she's me from an alternate universe who's in love with a crazy, egotistical, self-centered, mad bad boy!" retorted Robin. Then he froze, a look of pure dread in his eyes. "Oh my Naga, he's another you."

"Crazy, egotistical, self-centered... Hmmm..." Falcon scratched his chin in thought. "Yep, I don't see the connection."

Robin rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's get up before they notice."

The cooking duo carefully peeked over the countertop, eyeing the couple. Dark Pit had already taken a seat at one of the tables in the far corner, uninvited. His feet were kicked up on the tablecloth, and the glass container of roses were knocked over to the side. Robyn was sitting across from him, lightly scolding him, although it didn't look like she was being serious. Carefully, Robin snuck back into the kitchen while Bart casually approached them.

"Hello, welcome to The Falcon House. My name is Bart Lemming, the owner of this establishment." The waiter introduced himself. "Tonight, we will be serving you a phenomenal three course meal. In the meantime, may I offer you some breadsticks?"

"Shove off, waiter." Dark Pit taunted him. "Leave me alone."

"Pittoo!" Robyn chastised him. "Don't be rude!" Turning to their host, she said, "That sounds lovely. Thank you sir."

"Dark Pit. Dark Pit!" replied the clone of Pit. "I thought you said you would stop that!"

"I did." Robyn's eyes started sparkling. "But it's just such a cute nickname: Pittoo."

"Stop that!" He protested, his face fully red.

"Get your feet off the table and we'll talk." Robyn laughed, pushing the angel's feet off the tablecloth. Dark Pit looked away, embarrassed. When Bart didn't leave the table, the angel quickly turned around to snap, "What are you waiting for, waiter! Get the girl some breadsticks!"

Bart looked frustrated, but he didn't say another word as he left for the kitchen. Meanwhile, his loyal chef was finishing the last touches on the Falcon Salad, their appetizer.

"What did they say to you?" Robin asked as Bart entered the kitchen.

"Nothing important; they just wanted breadsticks." Falcon told him, grabbing a basket of the loafed treat.

"Well let me tell you, I got a surprise for that jerk over there." Robin smiled a devilish smile, running into the pantry. Returning to the kitchen, he placed a jar of orange peppers on the metal countertop.

"What's that?" Bart frowned, unsure of when the mage had had the time to put the jar in his pantry.

"It's my own little treat." explained Robin, his expression getting scarier by the minute. "They're called Fire Habanero. Some of the botanists in the Mushroom Kingdom managed to figure out how to crossbreed a Fire Flower with a habanero, and let me tell you, it'll blow your socks off. It's what Master Hand uses in the Superspicy Curry. Unfortunately, they don't sell it tamer than this, but it's still pretty hot. One baby in Pittoo's curry and he'll be crying for mercy."

"No." Bart shook his head. "Personal vendettas aside in my kitchen; that's rule number three. No way are you adding that. Just let me deal with them, okay?"

"Okay..." agreed Robin, putting them to the side. "But I got them just in case you change your mind."

"Trust me, I got this." Bart promised. "This is going to be a normal night, okay? What's the worst that could happen?"

.o0O0o.

"Hey! Loser!"

Bart clenched his fist as the clone of Pit called for the F-Zero racer. The whole night, the dark angel had been taunting him, calling him names and throwing wads of paper at him when Robyn wasn't looking (which was really surprising, since the guests were using cloth napkins and the entrepreneur couldn't find a piece of parchment in sight). The waiter had just finished serving the last of the salad when Dark Pit had called him over, adding to Bart's agitated attitude. Mumbling to himself, the racer in disguise came walking over with a forced smile painted on his face. "How may I help you?" Bart asked through clenched teeth.

"I hate to be rude," said Robyn shyly, "but I found a hair in my salad, and I don't believe it's mine." She pulled out a single piece of white hair, drenched in Falcon Ranch.

"What she's saying is your service is lousy, Bart Smelling!" Dark Pit taunted. The waiter just rolled his eyes at the angel's comment.

"I'm so sorry." said Bart, trying to be genuine. "I'll make sure this never happens again. I'll throw in some free coffee coupons for our mistake. Is there anything else?"

"Yeah," Dark Pit smirked. "Don't screw up the first time."

"Pittoo!" Robyn frowned at her date's outrageous behavior. "Stop being such a jerk!"

"Sorry..." The dark angel scratched his arm. "I'm just defending you."

"I'm very capable of defending myself, and I don't have to be a jerk about it." said Robyn. "Trust me, manners can go a long way."

"The power of flight can go a long way if you steal it!" Dark Pit retorted. "Come on? You're going to let Smelling get away with this?"

"Everybody makes mistakes." said Robyn calmly, although she was looking a bit irritated. "Don't worry about it, okay?" Turning to Bart, she smiled a hallow smile. "That'll be just fine, sir. Thank you."

"Anything for you, m'lady." Bart nodded, taking up her plate and walking back to the kitchen. Robin was putting the finishing touches on his curry, adding a few garnishes here and there. When the captain came back inside, he immediately stood up straight. "How did it go?" The tactician asked. "Oh, I'll save us the pleasantries: of course it went badly. Don't worry, this curry's going to knock his socks off."

"I already said no to the peppers, Robin!" Falcon grumbled, throwing away the salad before washing his hands. "Anyways, it looks like they're having some relationship issues. I think I might say a few words to them, ya know, for old times sake."

"What are you talking about?" Robin's eyes lit up with rage. "What you should do is ask yourself this: is there any way we can abuse that?"

"Goodness gratuitous, Robin!" The F-Zero hero frowned at the tactician's strange behavior. "You're becoming obsessed with destroying their relationship. It's a little creepy, man!"

"Come on!" Robin gesticulated. "That man's only goal is to hurt my sister and have fun with it along the way. He has no concern about others. Zero! You heard him: he stole the powers of flight for Pete's sake!"

"Were you eavesdropping on us?" asked Falcon, now completely shocked.

"Let's face it, Dark Pit's only here to hurt her, and that's the last thing I want!" demanded Robin, his face starting to become scrunched and enraged. "You have to do something!"

The racer slammed his foot against the ground, echoing throughout the small kitchen. "I don't have to do anything." Bart told him. "They're in a relationship, their having a bit of trouble, and I help people in need. You think I don a mask just to galavant for fame and fortune? You'd be wrong. I do it to help people, just like I am now. Now excuse me, I have to finish the salad you screwed up." With that, Bart grabbed a head of lettuce and started ferociously tearing away at the vegetable. They didn't speak another word as the entrepreneur finished the salad. But that didn't mean Falcon didn't notice the burning look Robin was giving him as he left the kitchen.

* * *

><p>"How's the food?" Bart asked, stopping by Kirby and Jigglypuff's table. After the first "incident," the couple had become regulars at the coffee house, so Bart had become familiar with their preferred dishes and drinks (Kirby was especially fond of the Falcon House Brew, Bart's personal favorite coffee as well). Instead of Falcon Salad, the couple was helping themselves to some fried mushrooms, gouging away like a hoard of hungry Chain Chomps. The couple barely had enough time to breathe through all of the food they were devouring.<p>

"Great! Nom nom nom..." Kirby managed to say in between bites. "Never been... Nom nom nom... better!"

"More!" Jigglypuff demanded, finishing her basket and starting on her fifteenth. Bart half-smiled, happy that they were enjoying themselves.

"I have the curry prepared for you guys when you're done." The waiter smiled. "Robin calls it panang. Apparently it's some sort of Thai dish that his great-grandfather used to make. Whatever it is, it smells delicious, so tell me when you're ready for the main course."

"Can't stop... Must... Nom nom nom... eat more mushrooms!" Kirby demanded, sucking up the ranch that came with it. Falcon looked at Mario, who only shook his head. The plumber had a smirk on his face, and his eyes twinkled in jest.

"And I thought I-a was obsessed with-a the mushrooms..." He joked, taking a bite of his panang. Peach giggled, watching the two spherical Smashers abolish their plates.

"Hey, Bart?" Someone called from the other end of the room. Frowning, the waiter turned around in search of the caller. In their corner, Robyn shyly waved her hand, beckoning him quickly. The racer walked over to their table, unsure of what to expect.

"Excuse me, but I think there's something wrong with Pittoo's curry." She nodded towards her date, whose face was pure red. The dark angel was sweating bullets, his hands shaking

"It's Dark Pit..." He said feebly, adjusting the collar of his suit. "Dark Pit." Without hesitation, he grabbed Robyn's cup of water and began sucking it down without a breath in between gulps.

Bart shrugged. "Panang is known for being spicy. I don't understand the issue."

Robyn shook her head. "No, that's not the problem. The problem is—"

Just as she said that, Dark Pit yawned, sending a ball of fire flying towards the table. It hit the pair of roses that were knocked aside, setting them aflame. Quickly, Bart grabbed the remainder of Robyn's ice and dumped it on the table in a feeble attempt to put it out. Luckily for the racer, the flames stopped in their tracks, the roses burnt to a crisp.

"Robin... Those dang peppers..." Bart growled, clenching his fist together. Quickly, he grabbed the sugar container on the table, unscrewed the lid as fast as possible, and began to spoon feeding the angel.

"Sugar is a counter to heat," Bart explained to the amazed Robyn. "This isn't a cure; it's only distracts your taste buds for a little bit. Let me get my milk from the coffee bar and I'll be right back." With that, he dashed off again.

"I'm going... To kill that man!" Dark Pit declared between bites of sugar.

"Calm down!" said Robyn. "He's helping you, isn't he?"

"He did this... On purpose! I know it!"

"You don't have any proof. Look, thank him when he comes back, okay?" The couple got quiet as the racer came dashing back with a glass of cool milk in hand, sliding it towards the angel. Dark Pit stared suspiciously at it before gulping it down as if it was ambrosia. After he had finished, he slammed it on the table and glared at the waiter with a look of pure hatred.

"Look here, waiter." He said with all the hatred he could muster. "Why don't you crawl back into the hole where you got that ugly thing and leave me in peace, okay? I'm sick of your sucky service, your spicy food, and your cheerful attitude. Run back home, Scarface!"

Bart froze, phased at the angel's comment. He touched the scar over his left eye out of habit, remembering the pain it brought him. After many years of working, no one had even mentioned the wound that kept him up late at night. Bart had forgotten about the nightmares and how it changed his life forever, and he had been quite happy to forget about that dark aspect of his life.

Until now.

Bart clenched his fists in pure rage, slamming them so hard and so fast on the table that they nearly ignited into flames. The table shook, startling both of his guests. Falcon could've sworn that he heard the table crack underneath him, but he was too enraged to care. The room fell silent, staring at the chef out of curiosity and fear.

Dark Pit stared at the racer wide eyed and terrified. Quickly, he grabbed Robyn's hand, clenching it tightly. She looked just as shocked as him, squeezing his hand back. Bart was about ready to explode and clobber the clone of Pit, but sheer willpower kept him sane.

"Understand me, Dark Pit." Falcon growled, pointing his index finger directly in his face. "If you ever, _**ever**_, say anything about my scar again, I will_ end you_. Do you understand?" When Dark Pit said nothing, he yelled, "_**Answer me boy!**_"

"Y-Yes, sir!" Dark Pit whimpered.

"Good. Excuse me." With that, Bart grabbed the bag of sugar and left to the kitchen. As he walked by his metallic trashcan, he punched it with his free hand, sending its contents all over the floor. No one took the time to marvel the fist shape indenture he imprinted on it.

"Heheh... Well that's awkward." Mr. Game and Watch scratched the back of his head as he addressed the confused crowd, "Bart's kinda eccentric sometimes. He's fine, I'm sure. One-hundred percent. I think..."

* * *

><p>As Falcon came barging through the kitchen door, Robin quickly fumbled his container of blueberries, spilling it all over his cheesecake. The mage tried ducking, but Bart was quicker. The racer grabbed Robin by his neck and pushed him against the wall.<p>

"What did I tell you?!" Bart spat at the terrified tactician. "What did I tell you?!"

"He was being a jerk!" Robin defended himself. "A complete and total jerk!"

"I don't care! You don't do that to people, especially behind my back! You're fired, you hear me? Fired!" Bart pulled back his other fist, prepared to smash his employee's face without any regrets. But before he could do anything, a familiar voice spoke behind him.

"Falcon, stop." Robyn said, entering through the kitchen doors. Bart turned around in surprise to look at the female tactician, dropping her brother. "Don't look so surprised. If he can figure out your identity, so can I." She sighed. "That's also how I figured out that my brother has been sabotaging Dark Pit's meal."

"It's not sabotaging if it's right!" replied Robin, picking himself up.

"The ends don't justify the means." retorted Robyn. "And quite frankly, the ends aren't what I want either." Turning to Bart, she asked, "Do you mind leaving us alone?"

Falcon looked dumbstruck, but he managed to nod. When he had reached the door, he turned around and asked, "Can I trust you?"

Robyn nodded. "Your secret's safe with me, Douglas. I promise I won't tell a soul."

The racer, with a look of satisfaction on his face, left the room. As the kitchen door swung shut, she sighed again. "You would really think someone would've noticed that he's totally Captain Falcon by now."

"Seriously!" Robin agreed, waving his hands in the air. "Did no one notice the Falcon obsession he seems to have? Or that he looks exactly like Captain Falcon?"

"Yeah. But you know that's not why I'm here, brother." Robyn pulled up one of the metal chairs from underneath the kitchen countertop and sat down. "You need to understand that Pittoo's not here to hurt me."

"But how could he not?!" Robin gesticulated. "He's a no good spoiled brat!"

"That's not true and you know it." replied Robyn calmly. "Sure, he's not perfect; even I know that. But you don't see what I see in him."

"How could I not?" Robin snorted. "We're practically each other!"

"No, we're not, and you know that's true." She looked sternly at her brother before continuing. "Dark Pit isn't how he appears to be. Sure, he's arrogant, selfish, egotistical, but he just doesn't want to be leftovers. He doesn't want to be 'Pittoo.' He wants to be someone else, with their own identity and their own life. Sure, he doesn't have the best moral compass, but the greatest part about him is that he can have a moral compass. He can be molded into a wonderful man. Dark Pit has the potential to be the greatest person in this room. He just has to realize it, and I'm here to help him along the way." Then she giggled. "Not to mention he's really hot."

"But he's evil! It's even in his name: Dark Pit!"

"The greatest part about darkness is that there is light." Robyn continued, undeterred by his comments. "How would we know one without the other? It's because he's dark that he can be light. Sure, there will be stumbles, falls, questionable choices, and lots of arguments. But I have to start somewhere, and I guess that there is here. He can be good, Robin. Someone just has to give him the chance, and I'm doing exactly that."

"But... But..."

"No buts about it." She joked, lightly shoving her brother. "You need to accept that we're going out, and there's nothing you can do about it."

Robin looked like he was about to say more, but then he sighed. "Fine. But don't think I won't condemn it internally!"

"That's just the way I expect it to be." Her eyes twinkled. "Now come on, you have some cheesecake to finish. I hope it's Grandma's recipe!" With that, she left the room.

"Wait," said Robin, confused. "Grandma had a recipe?"

* * *

><p>"This is what you gotta do." said Bart to Dark Pit as Robyn approached the table. The dark angel was bored out of his mind, staring off into space. "Look her directly in the eyes and say, 'Honey, I'm a grown man. That means that whatever's troubling you should be—' Oh hey there Robyn!"<p>

"Hey there Mr. Lemming." She smiled. "I hope everything's going well."

"Great!" Bart said just as Dark Pit grumbled, "Horribly."

"That's good." Robyn took her seat across from her boyfriend. "I'm glad to see you two make up."

"Sure, yeah, that's what happened." Dark Pit nodded, eager to get rid of the waiter.

"It's great to see such a happy young couple." Bart smiled, patting Dark Pit hard on his back.

"Romance like yours comes once in a lifetime. You two better take good care of each other, you hear me? You're the start of a strong couple, and I don't want to see anybody take that away from you guys. Got it?"

The female tactician shot a sympathetic look at the racer. "Man, we really need to get you a girlfriend."

"...Shut up." Before he left, he turned to Pittoo and said, "Remember what I told you Dark Pit. It'll save your relationship one day."

"No, no it won't!" He called after the retreating waiter. "I don't think I'll ever used that!" Then he sighed as he turned back to his girlfriend. "He's an interesting one..."

"You know it." She smiled. Looking at his plate, she offered, "I'll take your spicy panang for you."

"Thank the gods." He said, quickly exchanging plates. "That was melting my mouth just looking at it."

"Mmm hmm." Robyn said, staring at her boyfriend.

"Wha— what?!"

"I just want to apologize if I'm overbearing sometimes. I feel like in totally trying to change you, but I promise I'm not. I just want to see you appreciate the people around you sometimes."

"Humph." Dark Pit sighed, looking embarrassed. "Bart just talked to me about us as well. I guess for an old man he did have some pretty good points. Look, I'm sorry that this isn't the date you wanted. I wanted it to be perfect and I guess I was a little aggressive to everybody else. Can you forgive me, Ro—"

But he stopped speaking. Robyn had kissed him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Woo, first kiss in the collection! Shots fired! I was kinda nervous about the ending. I think I changed it like three times, but I finally settled on this one. It just sent a warm and fuzzy feeling through me for some reason :P**

**Okay, here's the breakdown: I'm getting my wisdom teeth out next week. Yeah. That'll be fun. I am hoping during the time I'm recovering, I can write some chapters for Alone Together, The Falcon House, and possibly start my contest entry for Paradigm of Writing's contest (as of today, three spots are open in the contest if you're interested). Maybe if I feel lucky, Seven Struck the Hour. But I won't know my condition until next week, so fingers crossed that I survive and don't feel awful.**

**So I have a lot of chapter ideas for a bunch of... well, chapters, for this story. I'm a little worried that it might stray from its original intention, so I just want to apologize now before I get any further. Next chapter is a chapter I've been planning since I decided to continue this story, and it'll introduce an overall story arc. That's right: an overall story arc. In a (an?) one-shot collection. Whoopty freaking doo.**

**Also, don't worry about Robin's job. That was some Bart rage right there. His job is safe. Unless I'm luring you into a false sense of security only to break them apart and ruin your perspective of life and the universe and everything. But what monster would do something like that?**

**Well, anyways, reviews are always appreciated, even if it's just a sentence or two. It always makes my day to see you guys comment, so feel free to put your two-cents in.**

**I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter of The Falcon House! Wo****rk hard, keep you head up, and smile! Have a nice day!**

* * *

><p><span><em>Chapter Four's Heroes<em>

_F-ZeroSamus_

_Daisy Bokoblin_

_lolrus555_

_Smash King24_

_CinnamonCombat_

_Thanks so much for reviewing!_


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